Reply 1997

"First love. The reason everyone’s first love is beautiful is not only because the love was pretty. At the time of first love, there was a youthfulness that didn’t know how to be wise, a me who was pure to the point of cruelty, and a you whose fire I couldn’t handle. It’s because I already know that I can never go back to that youthful, innocent, passionate time."

"First love is reckless. Without calculating, it throws everything in with pure passion, and inevitably fails. But that’s why it’s dramatic—the reckless tales wrapped up in experiences or feelings that you can never have again."

"First love is a time. Once it passes, it’s gone. Now you have to give a new love and a new time a chance. It might not be the experience or the purity of first love, but out of that scar is a love that grows and becomes a little more mature—you have to wait for an adult love. Only those who wait can dream of love."

Cause when I die, then I die loving you

Life has led us here
Together all these years
This house that we have made
Holds twenty-thousand days
And memories we've saved
Since life has led us here

It's weird that this day that I've dreaded and feared is finally here. Like a dream. Or nightmare. Every time I leave, the thing that looms over my head like an overbearing dark cloud is that what if anything happened to them while I was gone? And when it did, every time my heart sank. I don't know whether being away is good, because I know being by their side and watching them suffer would break my heart. But not being with them is equally as hard. I worry myself sick and every time my phone rings, I dread what's waiting for me.

Before I left, i told her that i'll be back real soon. Just 3 more months! And then i'll be home to cuddle her and walk her. I can't believe this is happening man. The thing about death is.. no matter how you kick and scream and deny it, it just descends on you whether you like it or not and knocks the wind out of you. It takes your tears, your energy, your emotions... everything. I'm heading home in a few days but i don't want to be optimistic because doing so will make it even harder. It's this whole 'so close, yet so far' notion that is draining my soul. What if she goes while I'm on my way? What then? What then?

I'm just sorry that I can't be there beside her. I am so so so sorry.

And I'm so scared of that point in time when I'll step into the house and I'll no longer hear little feet scurrying to welcome me.

It's all these times when I regret even leaving at all.