So my long weekend is coming to an end (sad face) and it's back to reality tomorrow. The wedding was great and I enjoyed catching up with old friends, meeting long lost ones and just watching my best friend embark on her next phase in life. It felt great being surrounded by people I love and i felt so grateful for all that I had. There was a tiny thorn in my side, but i think the people around me shielded me very well that I didn't even notice their presence.

Anyway, I've been feeling fearful of two things recently - growing old and getting sick. I see all the aunties at the gym working so hard but it's so much harder for them to reach their goals. I'm kinda at the prime of my life.. but so lazy! And i just keep thinking... one day I'll be like them too. One day i'll be one of those aunties who stare at youngsters, probing them to give up their seats for me. Who always think that I'm right because of my age. I'll have dry and wrinkled skin.. and saggy cheeks. Ah god. That thought scares me. I guess we really do take our youth for granted.... one day, i won't even be able to climb a mountain anymore. There's  so many things that I want to do. What am i doing now?

I'm only less than two months into my job.. but is it weird that i wonder if i can do this for the long term? maybe because I'm still learning and the bulk of my responsibilities are still on hold.. but i really wonder whether i'll be doing this 20 years down the road. I do enjoy my job, but when i step into a museum.. the feeling is different.. and i wonder if i should have been a curator instead?

Or maybe gone into academia? I've looked up some masters courses in history.. just browsing only la. Or maybe be a tour guide? since i do feel really happy and at peace every time i'm exploring our sunny little island.

i guess the misconception i've had when growing up was that once you get your first job, that's going to be forever.

obviously not.

maybe one day i'll be a chef.

Today I feel sad.

Sad because you wouldn't listen.
Sad because when i wanted to apologize and you didn't open the door.
Sad that I let my hot head get to me time and time again.
Sad that I threw the envelop at the door.
Sad that you posted something that might be referring to me.

Sad that if what you posted is referring to me... that you thought this was about money.
Sad that you think that I wouldn't give you money.

Maybe it's the hormones.
This weekend, I've done much but once i get home, I can feel the anger bubbling up. I feel so mad with you and your pride, and your attitude at times like this. I feel so fucking mad that tears keep falling and my heart keeps getting twisted into a huge knot. I want to just stab my heart with a stick and turn it the other way it's twisting. 

I'm so mad with you.
I'm so mad with you ever since I was 13.
But I love you more than my anger.

Sometimes i think the only good thing that came out of this family is my brother.

I remember the first time it happened, when there was all that yelling and screaming and breaking and shattering and crying.. so much crying. He went and yelled at them "do you want to see mei mei being so sad again?!" that made me cry even more and at that point in time I felt so grateful to him because I needed someone to lean on and he was the only one i could hold on to while the two pillars of my life were crumbling.

And every time they made him cry, I really hated them.
He never cried unless it was really really bad.

How could both of you stand to see him weep? 


  

“Sometimes I feel like there’s a hole inside of me, an emptiness that at times seems to burn. I think if you lifted my heart to your ear, you could probably hear the ocean. The moon tonight, there’s a circle around it. Sign of trouble not far behind. I have this dream of being whole. Of not going to sleep each night, wanting. But still sometimes, when the wind is warm or the crickets sing… I dream of a love that even time will lie down and be still for. I just want someone to love me. I want to be seen. I don’t know.”

Practical Magic (1998)

I'll walk a thousand miles

And be invisible to a thousand eyes

Invincible at times

Defeatable at every second

And my words will be whispered

Falling on deafened ears

Caught up in nothing