It's scary knowing that somehow, change has become the only thing that makes me feel alive.
Now i feel like a part of me is slowly slipping into the abyss.

Sometimes when I'm working, I wonder why i keep counting off the minutes till the end of the day. Don't I like what I'm doing? If i do... then shouldn't I just lose myself in it and not care about time? And then I wonder about the people around me. The auntie that comes in around 10am every morning to collect the trash from all the labs... what runs through her mind everyday? When I was having dinner at a fast food chain, I wondered what the auntie clearing the table was thinking. The auntie who gives out flyers everyday at Causeway Point while plugged into her earphones.. the elderly and handicapped selling tissue packets.. the people working at the weekly roadshows... all these people. So many of them.

Maybe for me, I measure how well I've lived my life by how much I've seen and learned. But if I hadn't been as privileged and lucky.. how will I judge how fulfilling my life is?

I need to be more grateful.
Be thankful.
Be kind.  

Moved On

A lot of times i still gripe and feel bitter.
But I know i've moved on, it's just some times it feels nice to vent.
I never forget even after forgiving.
That's bad for me.

Only problem is... I'm possessive.
I don't want my own friends to get hurt, that's why I say things like that.
My friends are mine. Mine to love, mine to protect.
You didn't love with sincerity... so you don't deserve to love them.
They are amazing people.

So this week marks a month since I've started my internship at the Heritage Conservation Center. It's been a really enriching experience and I'm looking forward to the next month and a half. Hopefully I'll get to work on other types of materials. But as of now, I can say that I'm basically a cleaner (for artefacts) lol. The good thing is that you'll always get different things to work on... but right now, I'm bored shitless vacuuming and checking the conditions of boxes and boxes of wayang kulit puppets.

I've probably looked at at least thirty puppets. The workmanship is amazing but i end up not remembering any puppet, except the one of the goat lol. Another thing I'm struggling with is identifying mould. When it's obvious, it's not a problem. But most of the time, I don't know how it looks like macroscopically and even under the microscope, I'm straining my eyes so much that.... I just scribble mould on my condition check list anyway (yes, lazy, irresponsible.).

Hopefully by the end of October, I'll have a job offer and then I can slowly gather experience in this little, yet discreetly, expensive industry. I've applied for positions in NMS, ACM, HCC and NAGA. Curator positions... I'm not that confident in since it seems like you have to really be into symbolism.... and I'm not lol. That's why conservation is good for me. See it as it is, treat it as it is.

Fingers crossed!