So my long weekend is coming to an end (sad face) and it's back to reality tomorrow. The wedding was great and I enjoyed catching up with old friends, meeting long lost ones and just watching my best friend embark on her next phase in life. It felt great being surrounded by people I love and i felt so grateful for all that I had. There was a tiny thorn in my side, but i think the people around me shielded me very well that I didn't even notice their presence.

Anyway, I've been feeling fearful of two things recently - growing old and getting sick. I see all the aunties at the gym working so hard but it's so much harder for them to reach their goals. I'm kinda at the prime of my life.. but so lazy! And i just keep thinking... one day I'll be like them too. One day i'll be one of those aunties who stare at youngsters, probing them to give up their seats for me. Who always think that I'm right because of my age. I'll have dry and wrinkled skin.. and saggy cheeks. Ah god. That thought scares me. I guess we really do take our youth for granted.... one day, i won't even be able to climb a mountain anymore. There's  so many things that I want to do. What am i doing now?

I'm only less than two months into my job.. but is it weird that i wonder if i can do this for the long term? maybe because I'm still learning and the bulk of my responsibilities are still on hold.. but i really wonder whether i'll be doing this 20 years down the road. I do enjoy my job, but when i step into a museum.. the feeling is different.. and i wonder if i should have been a curator instead?

Or maybe gone into academia? I've looked up some masters courses in history.. just browsing only la. Or maybe be a tour guide? since i do feel really happy and at peace every time i'm exploring our sunny little island.

i guess the misconception i've had when growing up was that once you get your first job, that's going to be forever.

obviously not.

maybe one day i'll be a chef.

Today I feel sad.

Sad because you wouldn't listen.
Sad because when i wanted to apologize and you didn't open the door.
Sad that I let my hot head get to me time and time again.
Sad that I threw the envelop at the door.
Sad that you posted something that might be referring to me.

Sad that if what you posted is referring to me... that you thought this was about money.
Sad that you think that I wouldn't give you money.

Maybe it's the hormones.
This weekend, I've done much but once i get home, I can feel the anger bubbling up. I feel so mad with you and your pride, and your attitude at times like this. I feel so fucking mad that tears keep falling and my heart keeps getting twisted into a huge knot. I want to just stab my heart with a stick and turn it the other way it's twisting. 

I'm so mad with you.
I'm so mad with you ever since I was 13.
But I love you more than my anger.

Sometimes i think the only good thing that came out of this family is my brother.

I remember the first time it happened, when there was all that yelling and screaming and breaking and shattering and crying.. so much crying. He went and yelled at them "do you want to see mei mei being so sad again?!" that made me cry even more and at that point in time I felt so grateful to him because I needed someone to lean on and he was the only one i could hold on to while the two pillars of my life were crumbling.

And every time they made him cry, I really hated them.
He never cried unless it was really really bad.

How could both of you stand to see him weep? 


  

“Sometimes I feel like there’s a hole inside of me, an emptiness that at times seems to burn. I think if you lifted my heart to your ear, you could probably hear the ocean. The moon tonight, there’s a circle around it. Sign of trouble not far behind. I have this dream of being whole. Of not going to sleep each night, wanting. But still sometimes, when the wind is warm or the crickets sing… I dream of a love that even time will lie down and be still for. I just want someone to love me. I want to be seen. I don’t know.”

Practical Magic (1998)

I'll walk a thousand miles

And be invisible to a thousand eyes

Invincible at times

Defeatable at every second

And my words will be whispered

Falling on deafened ears

Caught up in nothing 

Sometimes I wake up on the wrong side of the bed. You know that feeling? When you feel a smidges of sadness lobed everywhere. If only it works this way.. I would take a pin and probe around my body, picking out these little balls of gloom. 

If I could, I want to examine them under a microscope. Maybe they would give me an idea about why I'm feeling this way. 

Why sometimes I hate the people that I love so dearly.

Why i want to be a good or nice or better person, but that's denying the ugly part of me.. And when that part of me rears its ugly head... I find it so hard to come to terms with it. 

Today everywhere looks drab and grey. 

So last night was embarrassing...

Going abroad has taught me how to keep myself in check. Like learning how to say 'fuck it, move on', controlling my temper and watching my ego.

But sometimes, that egoistical part of myself rears its ugly head and man, I always wake up the next day feeling a wave of regret wash over me. Like, ah fuck, what did you do this time?

So last night, I drank quite a bit. L told me I'm just weak la. Haha, okay, i don't know if i'm a good drinker or not actually.. but judging from the people i usually drink with, i would say i'm okay. But last night, I went way over my limit. The whiskey was really good though, but adding that to my wine and beer-loaded tummy was a very stupid decision.

Result was horribly embarrassing. I fell asleep and suddenly woke up feeling like I had to be home. That this whole context wasn't one I was comfortable being in. I think i thoroughly pissed my friends off and was pretty mean to them as well. Argh. Guilty. But i guess when it comes to dealing with drunk idiots... there's no other way but to be harsh to them.. so good thing they didn't just let me climb over their heads.

And this isn't the first time I acted like a complete idiot when intoxicated. I never learn, do i?

Right, so i think i need to add - be a more considerate drinker to my resolutions. 

Tumblr is really where I find comfort in times like this.
Every time I'm heartbroken, feeling some kind of despair.. tumblr helps.
Therapy in the form of art and beauty.

And every post is a reflection of me.
Every post embodies all the emotions running through me. 

Sometimes I look through my archives... and it's funny, but I feel sorry for that me in the past.
Like I just want to pat her and say, 'hey, it's gonna be okay'

Maybe I should do that to the present me.
Hey, it's gonna be okay.

The first time I publicly acknowledged that my parents were divorced was a very sobering moment. It was in one of my first year anthropology class. We had to construct our family tree with a partner. At that point in time, it was already official. I stayed out of it as much as possible, only hearing details from my mother's regular rants (that I avoided).

In that moment, it really hit me. My parents aren't together anymore.. at least officially. But nothing changed. Things changed on paper, but in reality, everything was exactly the same.

I don't know what's best for us.
I long took the 'don't give a fuck' approach. Or as little fuck as possible.
But sometimes I just feel so..... disappointed.

And betrayed.

Love may not last forever. Relationships may not work out. And this idea that you have to be bounded to one person, at least on paper, this whole ritual.. it's romantic but isn't it stifling sometimes? Especially in Asian cultures. Conservative traditions means that we have to place the unit before our own happiness. The family always comes first. And this works out really well when both individuals are truly devoted and in love with one another.. all the way till death. At least that's what we have been brought up to believe.

But I know, at least from all the stories, that most families don't end up like that. Couples end up being in some kind of domestic partnership that is devoid of love. They just live and put up with each other.

Sometimes I wonder.. if I'm in that situation... would I hold on to my loyalty because that's what expected of me?

Or should I take love as it comes and goes?
When there's no longer any happiness or hope in one love.. would it be better to let it go?
Not to start looking again, but at least to be at peace with yourself.

This four letter word.. i wish it could be as simple as i want it to be.