2013

A new year is coming again.. wow, time flies?

So last year, my resolutions were pretty dumb lol.
"Here's my resolutions for 2012
1. Think more with your mind, not your heart.. because sofar, your heart has shown to make bad choices.
2. Exercise more. Please at least go back to your original fatty weight and not your fatass weight now.
3. Don't harp on what you lack, instead remember and be thankful for all that you have.
4. STUDY HARDER!
5. Make more effort to look after your body... eat and drink better!
6. Maybe blog a little more?
7. Don't dwell on things. Just suck it up and move on."

i think i kept to 3 pretty well this year. 4.. not so much haha. but i think i've developed a new outlook when it comes to studying, that is i want to study when i truly enjoy it - making it more about learning than about blindly studying.

as for 5, i kept to it sometimes, more so when i'm in the UK la. i'm way too forgetful though, i can just forget about eating vegetables completely.

1.. completely didn't keep to it for the first half of the year. yup, once again, my heart has shown itself to make pretty bad choices. but i did learn from them, and what scares me now is that i'm more reluctant when it comes to matters of the heart. i'm being an escapist.

sucking it up was a good motto you know. funny how i just lost it along the way.

why does it seem like as i grow older, i lose my discipline, or whatever that's left of it. maybe the chaos of this universe or reality makes me want to just go with its messiness and whatever it throws at me. i don't want to be systematic, i don't want to be structured. right now, i feel like a blob of fuzziness. right now, i feel like i don't make sense. what i'm saying doesn't seem to make sense either.

new resolutions... i'll come up with them :)

Falling in love

I've never felt like this in my life.
Never ever before.

I'm frightened of relationships.
I seem to only realize how stifling and controlling it can be, or how i let it control me. How i end up obsessing over really stupid things.

I feel like i can breathe again.

Dreams

Right now, at this point in time, what's your dream?

List 5.

1. I want to work in heritage. I want to start from home, and do something at home. I want to contribute in some way.
2. I want to learn, learn about all the things that I have been avoiding.. about politics, about history, about facts, half-facts, about perspectives.
3. Moving away from the development of le mind... I want to travel. I will travel, at least once every year. Properly.
4. I want to learn how to play the guitar!
5. I keep saying I want to do a masters... I'm not too sure yet though but it would be an awfully useful piece of paper to have HAHA okay i kid, i mean the specialization would be very very helpful. My dream, to have a specialization. Conservation is in the books now.. but academia... SEA academia eh. Haven't dipped my feet in that arena yet.

Education

I do read articles here and there, whenever I can, about the situation back home. I've come to rely less on state owned media outlets and more on blogs like Diary of a Singaporean Mind (my fav blog on local issues!). Every time I do so, I feel dismayed and unjust. I feel like the government is not looking after us. Isn't that what they are there for? To create the system that would aid us in our development, to help us grow. I'm not saying that this shirks the responsibilities that every individual has, but that they are vital in guiding us along.

And then when I read about situations outside of home, and I remind myself to be thankful. Thankful that I've had the opportunity to study, that I live in a safe haven like Singapore. That i shouldn't be complaining.

But am i complaining? Am i really? I love my home, no doubt about that. I gush with pride whenever I talk about home, about all the things i've just said I'm thankful for. And now I realize, I'm not complaining. I'm worried.

When I first started giving tuition at 19, I went with the books. The usual routine was to power through countless questions in that short time given. It wasn't learning. It was really just mindless studying.

When I went home for the summer holidays, I took a new kid under my wing. It was about the money, but with each lesson, I realized the way I tutored changed.  I didn't like how she blindly forced herself to memorize theories without really understanding them. She just knew how to answer questions, and she insisted that i teach her HOW TO answer questions from the books. As long as you could spew out the right answers, that's fine. Who cares if at the end of the day you really understand the topic or not. She's an awesome kid. Very smart and extremely hardworking. But she knew little about the world, and at that age, with that kind of teenage drive.. that's the best time to learn.

So I tried to talk about issues with her at every class. My own general knowledge is pretty poor so i just started from what I knew. We talked about history, current local issues, social issues, pop culture, we learned about new things and issues through media platforms like youtube, etc. and we did research and essays on some of these things.

At every lesson, I kept reminding her that there's more to learning than what's set by the system. You can answer every exam question right, but still know nothing. That's not how learning should be.

That's not how our system should be.

I'm definitely going home to Singapore, and I honestly want to start a family there. Private schools are crazily expensive, but public schools are crazily stressful. It's a dilemma. If i do enroll them in a public school, I'll make sure that they LEARN at home and STUDY in school hahaha! Yes, my kids will be cultural and heritage enthusiasts who watch TED TALKS everyday :x right, enough daydreaming.

Chinchorro Mummies

One good thing about studying in the UK (with a plus point that it's Durham Uni), we get quite a few well-known academics visiting over the years, giving presentations on their latest research. I went for a talk by Dr Paul Bahn this afternoon. I can say that I'm not a very good student. I don't really remember names of people, much less that of academics. But what I do remember are the people who wrote books listed on my reading list lol, and Dr Bahn is one of them.

So when I saw his name, I knew that I had to go for this talk. Yes, I'm very naive. Whoever writes a book that my department requires me to read must be someone I have to meet :P His talk was about the Atacama desert, focusing on the amazing mummies found along the coast (probably the first evidence of mummification in human prehistory) and geoglyphs.

The Atacama Desert is found in Northern Chile and is the second driest region on Earth. Rainfall is rare in the desert, with some parts not having rained for 400 years. The aridity of the place creates perfect mummification conditions - many naturally dessicated mummies have been found across the area, in addition to those created by human hands. 

Chinchorro Mummies
Whenever I think of mummies, the Egyptians and Incas will always spring to mind. I remember ogling at pictures of Inca mummies in books, amazed at the state of natural preservation that even hair survived.. and this technological culture of mummifying the dead in the Old World goes beyond the time of the Incas.

http://www.localeyesguides.com/images/gallery/Chile/Chinchorro_mummy.jpg

The Chinchorro Mummies are the oldest examples of artificially mummified remains, even older than those found in Egypt. How much older? At least 2000 years! The people responsible for them were hunter-gatherers, probably fishers, from the Chinchorro culture who occupied the coast of Northern Chile. They were about this task by first, pulling back the skin and defleshing the body and removing any internal organs, solely leaving the bones. After, they would pad up the body with twigs, drieed plants, clay etc. and then the skin would be pulled back down over the recreated "flesh".. like a sleeve! Any damage/holes in the skin suit would be covered with seal skin. The body was then covered with ash paste and painted in manganese, giving it a black shine. Clay masks with simple features were made and this replaced the face of the individual. Helmets of 'hair' was also placed on the bodies, which were then painted, probably with stripes, and wrapped in a woven netting of perhaps grass.
 

So well preserved that you even have nails
http://www.archaeology.org/online/features/chinchorro/jpegs/chinchorro2.jpeg

It is not known exactly how this practice came about nor why it came to be.. perhaps they found naturally dessicated bodies and wanted to emulate them? But it is likely that they were a culture that saw the dead as a important link to the Gods.. leading to the preservation of every single individual, even stillborn and children, who are usually not given the same treatment in such symbolic rituals as adults. Thus, there was no discrimination in  this process - every individual was treated the same, whether it was a male, female, adult or child. 


Information gotten from:
1.  http://www.archaeology.org/online/features/chinchorro/index.html

Be the change

I admit, I'm a very ill-disciplined person. Not in the past, but then i was way too stubborn for my own good, and looking back, I question the morality I had.

When I was in junior college, I signed up for a Overseas Learning Expedition to Chiang Rai. We were going to teach English to village children for 2 weeks. In the midst of preparations, our mentors planned many activities. I never understood or I chose not to reflect on the activities, but now when I look back, I'm really HORRIFIED at 17 year old me.

One of the activities was going to Little India on Deepavali for an 'Amazing Race' excursion. I felt EXTREMELY uncomfortable among the throngs of migrant workers. I'm not sugar coating it, because at that time, I admit I had a preconceived notion about them. If I sat down to dig further, to try and understand why I didn't like them... I'll honestly tell you that, I don't know the real reason why except that I was always told that they are 'bad' or 'dirty' or I was exposed to them in a way that put them in a negative light.

After our Amazing Race, we sat down in a playground to reflect. I remember saying this, 'I felt really uncomfortable, like I was A STAR IN THE NIGHT SKY.' Omg. I. DON'T. EVEN. JIGGY. WHYYYY. Yes, loss of faith in my own humanity.

It took a lot of different experiences to change that kind of discriminant mentality I had. I wasn't even outrightly aware of having such a conscience, but now, as I look back.... wow, I'm ashamed.

Another thing of relation is what happens throughout my stay here in the UK. This time it makes me think about how I view the other group of migrants in our country - the Mainland Chinese. This is the issue of being recognized as a 'Mainland Chinese'. It invokes annoyance in me actually, as with most of my other fellow Singaporeans. I'm always like 'WTF I AM NOT FROM CHINA!' despite my love for Chinese history and culture.

But why though?

1. Because there's so many of them in Singapore that I'm sick of seeing more foreigners than Singaporeans
2. Some individuals have horrible habits/personalities... but then, some Singaporeans have them too, so why do the Chinese get more shit for it?
3. More competition and stress brought about by their existence in our system.. not like we aren't stressed out enough.
4. A dilution of our identity?

What else?

Looking at this... I don't like them not because they are Chinese.. more for the situation they are in, and for how their present situation is affecting us. If I did sat down and get to know a handful of them, I would probably say that well, actually there are individuals I do like, and then there are those I don't. It'll probably be the same if i sat down with a handful of Singaporeans.

I feel like I'm being racist. Okay, not exactly.. perhaps a 'Nationalist'? I got to remember that they are there because our political system gave them the opportunity to be there, and honestly, if i was in their shoes, I'll do the same. Hell yeah, awesome opportunity... who would say no?

So the point is...
If you were in their shoes, would you do the same?
Getting off my moral high horse, yes, i honestly think I would.

A little less hate everyday.

The Man on the road

Before coming back to the UK, i spent a lot of time with my mom. We always wandered around, looking for good things to eat. On this particular day, we were at Chinatown (again). After having lunch at Amoy Street Food Centre (which was quite deserted), we stopped off at the area where my grandmother used to live. She bought random buns from this newly opened chic looking bakery, and after that we bought some soup packs for me to bring here.

I remember chit chatting with the lady boss, taking her advice on which brand to buy, politely declining her promotional efforts to get more of other products. I remember watching her colleagues pick out chinese herbs, reaching into those little cupboards behind the counter, grabbing a handful of this, a handful of that.. placing them on the traditional chinese scale and then packing them in paper. I remember the smell.. a light, salty flowery scent. I don't know how to describe the smell of herbs. It was good though.

I think we ran out of things to look at cus most of the neighbourhood was under development, so we hopped on the car back home. Once turning out of the car park, we found ourselves amid throngs of cars.

That was when I saw him.

He was working. I don't remember what he looked like except he had long curly hair under his safety helmet. He stood on the side of the road, grasping a traffic sign, directing the slow moving traffic while his colleagues carried out roadworks behind the barrier. He had a really bright smile as he waved cars along. His friend beside him didn't seem too thrilled like him.

Something about his smile made me happy. It was so infectious, that smile. He caught my eye and I gave him a bright grin, with a happy wave thrown in. I'm not sure if anyone else had done the same thing since he was there, but he returned my gesture with an even brighter smile. Our car was still in the wait, so I didn't know where else to look after our exchange. It was a funny awkward situation. I think he felt the same.

The light turned green. My mom put the car into gear and we slowly started moving. We both looked at each other, at the same time and probably for the last time, and smiled while waving goodbye.

He made my day.

Where to?

When I was younger, I made a list of places I HAD TO VISIT before i die.
It included Nazi concentration camps, machu picchu, pyramids etc.

I'm a history-buff, no doubt.

Aspirations

What do you aspire to be?
I've aspired to be many things.
When I was younger, i wanted to be a music producer, a kindergarten teacher, an archaeologist, and then someone who did something useful in the area of media.. and then now, I want to work in heritage. I want to be a conservator. I'm not sure yet. But that's the plan.

I used to think that I always go for what I want. But more often than not, my huge sense of fearfulness engulfs me and draws me into my shell. Even so now. Actually I think it's more of a fear of people. I really don't get it sometimes. I never realized how much I'm scared of meeting people.

On another note, the bar is still in my plans!

tuvimos pizza para la cena hoy. ollie vino a visitar a laura porque es su cumpleanos. hicimos dos pizzas con queso, carne y verduras. esta muy deliciosa. tuvimos vino blanco tambien. a mi me gusta vino! hablamos despues la cena, entonces bebimos el te.

comimos pizza para la cena hoy. ollie vino a visitar a porque es su cumpleanos. hicimos dos pizzas con queso, carne y verduras. que estaba muy deliciosa. tuvimos vino blanco tambien. a mi me gusta vino! hablamos despues la cena, entonces bebimos el te.

Critical thinking

"I was brought up in an environment that questions everything."

As I embarked on college life, I realized how much i don't question things. Is it because I took the path of the sciences? Or, should i put it, the Singaporean way of learning science and technology, where you are just taught to take in what is given. You don't ask questions beyond the textbooks, you aren't encouraged or even pushed to go beyond the walls of the education curriculum. All you do is learn and master the theories and do the questions. Don't ask why, but you're good as long as you know how to answer them.

Maybe it's just me, maybe it was the school i went to. Maybe.  

Practica espanoles

Fui a la biblioteca despues de me levante hoy.
Estudie durante dos horas y buscado libros para mi tesina.
I se supone que debe ir al cine con mi amiga pero fui muy cansado asi que me quede en casa.
estoy intentando para mejorar mi espanol porque estoy muy malo
(estoy tratando de mejorar mi espanol porque soy muy malo en ello)
ahora, estoy muy hambriento...
(ahora, yo tengo mucha hambre)
i tendra un tazon de yogur

adios! buenas noches,mis amigos!

Rambles

I'm a hermit. Guilty as charged.

In the past, I couldn't come to terms with that... because being a hermit seemed like a social no-no and even as I enjoyed my times at home just lazing around, I felt guilty. Like I wasn't making much of my life. But y'know... who cares what the world thinks, right? I love being at home :) spending time with my dogs and watching random shows... I find it therapeutic.

Anyhow, I thought I'd take a short break since the past few weeks have been crazily busy, with a lot of trips down to GUI to work on our game, and bouts of volunteering and exploring here and there with the Adam Park Project. I thought it's best that I spend some time at home before I leave next friday :( so Monday & Tuesday were spent in the comforting walls of home :D

But I do get sick of being confined within these walls.. so this afternoon saw me making a random trip down to Kranji War Memorial. It doesn't seem like I'm doing much justice to these heritage and historical relics/memorials in Singapore despite all my talk about wanting to preserve/conserve them, and what's worse is that I've been to so many such memorials abroad =____= starting to pay more attention/focus on local sites now :D it's a start!

Shall do a proper post some time later about my visit, and I actually have a whole back log of posts that I need to do but just lack the discipline. Really need to get my blogging habit back on!!! Not only just blogging, blogging properly and decently! I remember how i used to put in 110% effort into every single post... jiggy, get that groove back on!!  

I love to sleep

When you do something and it doesn't feel forced, it doesn't feel like a chore, then continue doing it.. it'll make you a happier person.

That's how going to GUI feels like. That's how going to work as a facilitator feels like.

I sleep a lot. I don't have mornings. I'm more of a night owl than a morning lark (i googled this lol). Always sleeping in till 11am/12pm, waking up before 11am is early for me. So when i didn't mind "sacrificing" sleep for these things... then they are things I really enjoy doing.

In this short span of time, I've come to love GUI. I always find the place very friendly and I feel at peace whenever I'm there. It's not just the physical space though, I love what it stands for & the community that comes together feels like a family.. it's lovely to be part of something.

Dear Singapore

"Dear Singapore,

I never knew you until I was given the opportunity to be away from you for a while.

No, actually. I never knew me until I was given the opportunity to be away from you for a while.

Something you do makes us not have the time, space and desire to get to know ourselves.

Maybe there is a known reason for that. Maybe economical, maybe political, maybe just because. Maybe you are a small nation in a unique situation as you have always wanted us to know you as.

Now that I think I know myself a little better. Maybe I know you a little better too.

Maybe now you can count on me to stand up for you a little more."


When I do sit down and ponder over how I've changed over the last 2 years... I can say I understand myself a lot better. Right now, I feel more like an individual than one of "us". I have ambitions and dreams bigger than what my home wants me to be. A part of me feels like a rebellious little kid, going against the odds. But what are the odds? Should I base them on a local standard or a global one? Because when I look at myself as a citizen of the human race, I feel that what I've chosen right now is the most natural thing.

I did take the path laid out for us. I studied hard (& played hard) in secondary school. I went to junior college because it upped my chance of getting into a local university. I got into a local university and slogged that period of my life away. I never studied so hard in my life before. I went through A levels, so i thought i would be prepared for the amount of work dumped on us as soon as we stepped into uni. But it was honestly crazy.

I studied at least 10 hours a day, some times even more. I went to my neighbourhood Starbucks every day, stayed till 9pm and went home with an exhausted mind. It felt like I was on auto-pilot. I didn't really felt like I was learning anything.. just blindly studying. Is this what learning should feel like?

I chose to major in Communications & New Media because it seemed like it would bring me better prospects when i graduated. I love history, but it obviously wouldn't land me a job with BIG BUCKS. But at the end of semester 1.. i didn't see a light at the end of my undergraduate life. I just saw myself doing something I wasn't even good at, something that I was hardly passionate about.

I didn't want a job that depended solely on my skills. I wanted to fuel it with burning passion as well.

And right now, I'm on my way there. I'm still scared, but fear is in the eye of the beholder. I'm fighting my way to the top. It's not only about a career anymore. It's about living a fulfilling life. 

Do I really want to be here?

Before I went to the UK, i told myself... keep your options open! Don't make coming back home something definite.

But lots of shit happened there, all because of my own choices, and I've never been really happy when I'm in the UK. I'm emotionally driven. I get attached to people, and it's been very hard being away from home. You do get the hang of it, you do get numb, but I've been homesick for most parts of it and even if home is a place as stifling as it is... home is where people i love are, and because of that, I made the decision to come back home once I'm done.

No matter how much I loved the pace and bustle of Europe, I still needed the love and physical contact of all my favourite faces. I enjoy traveling. I love the little alleys of my favourite cities. I loved getting lost and finding my way around. I loved discovering and exploring.

But throughout all the adventures, I missed my family so much. Even in my second year, I cried A LOT (partly because I got my heart broken HAHA). I've had so many people tell me that I can always make new friends.. you can, but soul mates like mine are hard to come by. All these people aren't just friends anymore, they are family.

& they are the main reason (maybe even the only reason) why I'm coming back.

Conversations with my dad

Every time we talk, he'll either
1. tell me how awesome the iPhone is
2. ask me what I'm gonna do after i graduate
3. ask me how much money I can earn with my degree
4. tell me that if all else fails, i can always sign on with the police force or be a teacher because they have "iron rice bowls"
5. i could still be a piano teacher!
6. how lucky i am that i got to pursue my dream

It frustrates me that every point above is related to money.

I understand that his generation had it the hardest. They grew up amidst Singapore's rise as a nation, as it started throwing words like "meritocracy" around, as it started progressing and making itself stand out from all the other SEA countries.

My dad's education ended at sec 3. My mom graduated with an O level cert. All they both knew was that they had to make money. Without money, they are nothing.

And it pains me to see them so stuck in their ways because of how our system is, how the country made them BELIEVE that only the smartest/most superficially beautiful people can succeed. My grandpa used to be a MP. He contributed as much as he could & he could relate to the community but in the end, he got let go because he couldn't speak English. How does that make sense?

If at the end of the day, I'm able to earn a fat paycheck, pay my taxes, abide by every single law, not talk back and just accept everything that the system says, am i the ideal citizen?

But at the end of the day, I don't want to be a pawn, a machine, a game piece in this crazy competition that is sucking the soul out of Singapore. I don't want to have a job I don't love, doing something that guarantees me a roof over my head and food on the table but takes away my identity. I don't want to be A Office Lady, A Banker, A Lawyer, A Money Maker. I don't want my job to be the only thing that defines me.
 

Ground Up Initiative

A couple of weeks ago, I popped by Bottle Tree Park with Haopei to check out this NGO organization we read about on facebook. From their facebook description...

Ground Up Initiative (GUI) is about Forging a beautiful connection with the Earth and the Community. It aims to:
- Foster social and environmental consciousness through programmes and activities that emphasize on living in harmony with the Earth and how to get in touch with ourselves.

- Be a place where values in sustainability and global responsibility can be shared and fostered among all who visit, work and learn. It will serve as a model for Singapore and the developing region.

- Be a showcase of eco-technology and environmentally friendly practices, some of which could be very relevant to making urban Singapore life greener/ more environmentally responsible.

- Be a centre to inspire a re-think of the interaction between the urban dweller and their environment.

- Be a centre for sustainability ideas and concepts incubation.

- Be a centre for training humanitarian expedition teams.

They are currently running several different projects with different objectives and the very first time i went, we got involved with Balik Kampung, which aims to get people in touch with the land and to appreciate nature and understand how much effort is put into producing crops. No, it's not just about FARMING and no, it's not a botanic club :P

We had a bunch of secondary school kids volunteering for their CIP as well, and i guess at that age, you wouldn't fully comprehend or appreciate the thought being such a movement. I mean, when i was 15, i knew the importance of volunteering but i just didn't think of being active. It just seems like a per-requisite, one of the things you have to fulfill to get through the academic system, which is sad. I think there needs to be a balance between work, play and giving back to the community. We should be cultivating people who think with both their hearts and mind. I mean, what are you contributing when all you do is occasionally buy a packet of tissue from elderly folks?

I DIGRESS! (as usual....)

Our Kampung Chief giving a talk

GUI's vision is to build a university where Singaporeans (or everyone actually) can go to pursue their interests in building a better sustainable future for our home. Right now, they've established a sub-unit called the Sustainable Living Lab where people can go to develop their engineering ideas related to sustainability. I was deeply moved when i heard what they were aiming for, and that means... nodding my head profusely like those nodding dogs lol.

Right now, I'm involved in Kampung Play, a project where we build life sized toys from scratch using simple materials.



They'll go on display at Woodlands Civic Centre and we hope that families will enjoy them while fostering strong bonds. Also, it'll get kids away from their little gadgets! This project will be ongoing for 5 months, so if you are interested just drop by on Saturday at 10am :)

So free up the mornings of your weekends to pop by this awesome place to do a bit of poking around! It's more than just farming, it's more than just building things..  it's about building meaningful relationships with our Mother Earth and our community, something that we keep forgetting/neglecting as we get swept up and distracted in Singapore's climb to the top.


GUI's facebook
Bottle Tree Park, Yishun, 81
Lorong Chencharu
Yishun, Singapore 769198

Bzzzzz

Been really busy for the past two weeks! Done with work so I'm getting my hands dirty (FINALLY!) with some mucking around the suburbs (if you can call it that) of Singapore :P I know I said it's meant to be museum week but i think things worked out for the better. There's so much I need to pen down in this space but I'm running out of time! Need to be off for my ukulele class!

It feels great to be doing something I love in my home country and I think I'm really lucky to have met Jon, who is a gem and i think he makes a great mentor. It's sad that I'll be returning to the UK in a month so I'll miss out on 9 months of this awesome project... good thing is that he's sticking around for a couple more years, further exploring other parts of Adam Park and his research will culminate in an exhibition (and his phd papers!). I'm gonna try and help out with the exhibition so that's another project for 2013 :D

Can't wait to graduate!

We're screaming louder

It seems like when I start pondering these issues, I start finding more voices that I've previously missed. This excerpt is taken from stories.sg (link):

"...And my thoughts scare me because I am this close to being mediocre, by your standards.

I blame you to some extent. 17 years of school, 17 years of being sifted about in your education net had been exhausting for me. It was hard to remain in the top 10 percent, or perhaps even in the top 5 percent of the cohort, but it was harder to admit that the process was tough. There are those who breeze through, climbing their way to the top, and there are those, like me, who struggle to cling on to these titles that you claim prestigious. It is dispiriting to feel average, much less be average, and to keep up, we compete against one another. After all, the “best” and the “worst” evolve from measurement, and measurement is relative, never absolute. We never stop competing, never.

You taught us meritocracy and democracy — Big words that are often more idealistic than real, contradictory than straightforward. I laugh at anyone who believes that they are getting the fair deal. Nothing is fair in this world and that is why these words contribute to an ideology you badly want us to believe. To be fair (the irony!), efforts at meritocracy seem to exist in corners of your dark streets, but there are few since your streets are well-lit and cleanly-swept, as you proudly proclaim and aggressively sell.

Meritocracy is at the mercy of bank rolls. Don’t we all already know that? And while you profess yourself democratic, you hold on to our freedom, too much of it. You said freedom is not a feature of Asian culture, and too much of it is not desirable. You coax us, like children, and tell us, like a parent, an “Asian” parent, that we must be grateful of what you have provided for us.

You almost had me convinced there. All I needed to do was listen while you rattled on about history — your side of history — and how we changed from a poor and developing nation into a more developed and economically-strong one. The trouble is, I am not too s ure what constitute “Asian” because Asia is so diverse. At times you appear to be more liberal and receptive to Western influences, and at times, you hold on dearly to your so-called “Asian” roots which, you tell us (again), lean towards the conservative.

Your sacrifice for us was undeniable, but a well-developed people is not just about dollars and cents, a HDB flat, and babies. It is about the intangible. It is the magnanimity to embrace, not merely tolerate, difference, the willingness to release your grip and allow us to breathe so we can be the artist or musician that we may aspire to be. It is about allowing us to dream the dream that you so often brush aside as impractical. But dreams are themselves often illogical, aren’t they. It is about cutting us some slack and allowing us to fall and climb back, stronger and better than before.
You claim you have our best interests at heart but something must be wrong when so many of them are not coming back. It is not in the leaving, but the returning. You attempt to lure them back with promises of wealth, the same tactic you used on married couples to entice them to deliver babies, but it is not really working. Something must be wrong.

I am afraid because I cannot leave. I have decided to end my formal education and to start shouldering family responsibilities. Like the good filial “Asian” child, I must provide for my parents. I cannot take off and leave everything behind. That is why I am here instead of exploring the world, at my own time and pace. I’ve always missed you when I am away. I was even proud of you. You are Home to me after all, but I am afraid I will remain here forever, in the same cubicle you find in every office. Forever is extremely apt, I must add.

I am afraid I will unlearn creativity and learn to get by. Creativity is hard to come by when you have a tendency to tell us what we must do. The morning coffee and clinkin g of metal spoons against ceramic mugs, against incessant sounds of typing on keyboards and stapling of documents, threaten my zealousness and I am afraid. I am afraid of having my unrealistic and beautiful dreams cast aside because they are irrelevant to your economy. I am not merely a tool in your large development project; I don’t want to take calculated moves all the time and be told when the right time to be silly is and when it is not. I want to be a being who can be impractical and foolish at the snap of her fingers.

Leave me room to be foolhardy, once in a while, because it will delight me so."


I'm worried about the future of our country. I'm worried about the future generation.

It's like putting them through a storm, only for them to come out on the safe side being thrown into yet another one. How is this fair? How is it that we are put through the same system only for a certain % to go through? How is it fair that not everyone is given a chance to learn (not in the go to the lib and pick up a book sense ok)? How is it fair that society bases our self-worth on the grades we get?

I understand all the flaws in what I have said above (GETTING LATE!! NEED TO ZZZ) but my underlying point is that, even if we can't do well academically in areas that are helpful to the economy, we should be encouraged to strive in other areas.

We've come so far together

I dropped by the National Museum after work today to do a little poking around since I haven't been there since i got back. I know, it's awful how I've neglected my interests because of the need to earn $$$. While on that subject, I was reading The Secret today and it said that I should believe that I have everything in abundance so that I would attract/turn it into reality. When i keep thinking that i need something, it means i'm constantly telling myself that i don't have it or enough of it, and this attracts similar situations/circumstances, placing me in a unbreakable cycle. Sounds reasonable and well, no harm giving it a try :D I think at the end of the day, the most important thing I want to have in abundance is love... and I do have that, so thank universe. I'm really grateful.

Anyhow, visited the Post-War exhibition that's currently up and as I watched the short clip that took us through Singapore's struggle to break away from colonialism and gain independence.. I felt so patriotic. We've come so far as a nation, we've managed to climb to the top to be one of the best and I could say we are one of the countries that managed to do so well after breaking away from colonial rule (i got a huge sense of 'take that angmohs! we can do well even without you!' during the exhibition hahaha!). The film ended with a quote by MM Lee.. the gist of it was that we should be the ones responsible for the survival of our own nation. (Honestly starting to think that i have STM and ADHD) Think i might go back and take a photo of that quote because it just hit me at the right spot.

Which is why it's funny how we are leading ourselves towards a future where we are dependent on FTs to survive. It felt heartwarming to see our home being built by Singaporeans for Singaporeans, being led by Singaporeans for all the right reasons, for a better future for everyone. It's scary to think of how life will be like 10 to 20 years down the road where our education system is even more competitive than it is now, where our heritage is destroyed and hidden beneath concrete structures, where our Singaporean Soul is destroyed.

When I was in Budapest and Vienna, I became really intrigued with Communism's role in these countries' history and the fact that these people standing in front of me telling me stories about their home had lived through such revolutionizing times was just really touching. They spoke with such hope for the future and it made me wonder about our own SG. This must have been how things were like then. Though we weren't under as radical a rule as these nations were, the idea of being independent would no doubt invoke the same feelings of hope. 

I just really don't want such sentiments to be lost in the midst of our climb to the top.   

I didn't tune in to this year's National Day Rally (okay, i never have.. i just yahoo! news it or read summaries) because I was working but read tweets and recaps of it online. There were quite a few points that made me snort with derision and I know I still lack contextual knowledge but what I know now is still enough for me to make a judgement.

The first point that I retweeted (because I thought that they are important (to me at least)) from @YahooSG:
1. Mix of pre-school operators will give diversity, choice to parents BUT to parents, please let your children have their childhood! 
My part-time job gives me the opportunity to interact with kids and there have been many times where I've been so disappointed with the kid of childhood they have. This obviously isn't just a result of the choices parents make - innovation, development, increasing urbanization and the growing pervasiveness of technology and new media are also important reasons why most kids in developed countries are just like 'little adults'.  They've lost the innocence they should have when they are handed these objects that even adults have problems resisting. And kids know the basic commercial value of these items that they flaunt it (albeit a little too extensively). I've had so many 7-12 year olds stick their iPhones 4 / iPads in my face that my initial annoyance has now been replaced with numbness.

It always bugs me when i see a kid having their own iPhone.. but I guess the iPhone is just the better version of our gameboy from back then. In the sense that kids these days don't enjoy a childhood that isn't peppered with technology is something that's hard for parents to avoid.. they could but it would really mean strict restrictions and not giving their child what most other kids have, and that might cause more problems (feelings of inadequacy, jealousy etc.) in the short run.

Just yesterday, a boy in the group I was leading said that he only has a Nokia phone because his parents think that it's better for his character development. The good ol Nokia that took our generation by storm. The sturdy and hard-shelled cellphone that could give a person a concussion. THE pioneering efficient and well-designed mobile phone. I just looked at him and said "Your parents are doing the right thing."

I know it's contradicting since I am more or less addicted to my iPhone and social media.. but I remember a life back then where I looked more at what was around me than what was behind a small plastic screen (okay... obviously we watched tv too lol). And I appreciate that my childhood wasn't invaded by such devices to the extent it has today. IT WAS, but not as much as it has now.

My opinion is that when you are given such devices at an age where you are better able to understand and later control (okay TRY TO CONTROL) the effect it has on you, you won't be as distracted from the tangible things around you. Kids need to interact with the physical world, not with an electronic device that has the world in it because it's not enough, so parents have to 1. exert more control on exposure to such products and 2. know that a kid shouldn't be handed such items until they are at a suitable age.



I know that they are many flaws in what I've just said.. and honestly this wasn't supposed to be my end point but I digress way too easily (starting to think i have ADHD!) and my thoughts seem to be all over the place... still, it's better to be writing these thoughts down and reflecting on them than to have them locked up in my little head, right? :D 

Rediscovering Home

In this short month that I have left, I shall get to know Singapore once again. I want to break the notion in my mind that Singapore is just an all-round urbanized hub. I want to experience the bits of Singapore that hasn't (yet) been developed to be part of its concrete empire. I want to discover and rediscover our heritage and our vibrant culture. I want to withdraw myself from commercialism (lol i'll try) and embrace the need for less material goods (sorry, my iPhone is still my baby). Through this, I hope to go beyond what I've conceived Singapore to be - a place that is too focused on what the heart/mind wants and not what it needs. I want to find the SOUL in this place we call home.

It's a new beginning once again

I was on my way home from work as I browsed through works by Alvelyn Alko when this question suddenly smacked me in the face - what's my form of self-expression?

Every time I'm inspired by some amazing photograph, music, prose or idea, I start reflecting on myself. I used to think I'm just comparing, like 'oh wow, why can't i do that?' but it makes me remember how blogging used to be my platform for self-expression, until voyeurism started pulling at my heartstrings too tightly that I thought it'd be better to stop. Nonetheless, I remember having more direction and purpose when I used to blog. Now I tend to blog only when I'm frustrated/upset... so when I do read my recent archives, it's plagued with emotions that I would rather not relive again.. but just like how music can evoke extreme emotions in a person, reading those posts just makes me sad again. I don't want to express myself ONLY when I'm upset.

So here I am.

Starting anew. Starting my effort to document all the highs and lows in my life. All the soon-to-be adventures. And most importantly, it's my way of reflecting.