This empty bedroom won't make anything right

If I am lost for a day; try to find me
But if I don't come back, then I won't look behind me
All of the things that I thought were so easy
Just got harder and harder each day

I dreamed I was dying; as I so often do
And when I awoke I was sure it was true
I ran to the window; threw my head to the sky
And said whoever is up there,please don't let me die

But I can't live forever,I can't always be
One day I'll be sand on a beach by a sea
The pages keep turning, I'll mark off each day with a cross
And I'll laugh about all that we've lost

What if?

What if this doesn't work out?
What if i cant find a job?
What if I can't do anything with this degree?
What if?

Why do i seem to put my life on hold once I'm in the UK?
It's something.. something that seems to make me less like that me at home.
It brings out the part of me that I haven't got to know as well.
And it's nice sometimes, getting in touch with this more mellow and disconcerted part of my soul.

But over here, I care less.
Care less about everything and just experience the moment.
The snow falling on my face, crunching on my soles, patting it off my coat... those little moments are nice. Ephemeral but calming.

Resolutions

I shall focus on changing/adding good habits to my lifestyle this year and some bigger ones that require more discpline

1. watch one TED talk everyday
2. make your bed
3. take love less seriously
4. have an apple a day
5. learn learn learn! read read read!
6. still, suck it up
7. be more comfortable in your own skin
8. care less about things that burdens you
9. watch as many movies from IMDB's top 250
10. read at least one book (not academic) a month

hey, old jingyi. i miss you.
your tenacity. your confidence. your devil may care attitude.
i miss that.

2013

A new year is coming again.. wow, time flies?

So last year, my resolutions were pretty dumb lol.
"Here's my resolutions for 2012
1. Think more with your mind, not your heart.. because sofar, your heart has shown to make bad choices.
2. Exercise more. Please at least go back to your original fatty weight and not your fatass weight now.
3. Don't harp on what you lack, instead remember and be thankful for all that you have.
4. STUDY HARDER!
5. Make more effort to look after your body... eat and drink better!
6. Maybe blog a little more?
7. Don't dwell on things. Just suck it up and move on."

i think i kept to 3 pretty well this year. 4.. not so much haha. but i think i've developed a new outlook when it comes to studying, that is i want to study when i truly enjoy it - making it more about learning than about blindly studying.

as for 5, i kept to it sometimes, more so when i'm in the UK la. i'm way too forgetful though, i can just forget about eating vegetables completely.

1.. completely didn't keep to it for the first half of the year. yup, once again, my heart has shown itself to make pretty bad choices. but i did learn from them, and what scares me now is that i'm more reluctant when it comes to matters of the heart. i'm being an escapist.

sucking it up was a good motto you know. funny how i just lost it along the way.

why does it seem like as i grow older, i lose my discipline, or whatever that's left of it. maybe the chaos of this universe or reality makes me want to just go with its messiness and whatever it throws at me. i don't want to be systematic, i don't want to be structured. right now, i feel like a blob of fuzziness. right now, i feel like i don't make sense. what i'm saying doesn't seem to make sense either.

new resolutions... i'll come up with them :)

Falling in love

I've never felt like this in my life.
Never ever before.

I'm frightened of relationships.
I seem to only realize how stifling and controlling it can be, or how i let it control me. How i end up obsessing over really stupid things.

I feel like i can breathe again.

Dreams

Right now, at this point in time, what's your dream?

List 5.

1. I want to work in heritage. I want to start from home, and do something at home. I want to contribute in some way.
2. I want to learn, learn about all the things that I have been avoiding.. about politics, about history, about facts, half-facts, about perspectives.
3. Moving away from the development of le mind... I want to travel. I will travel, at least once every year. Properly.
4. I want to learn how to play the guitar!
5. I keep saying I want to do a masters... I'm not too sure yet though but it would be an awfully useful piece of paper to have HAHA okay i kid, i mean the specialization would be very very helpful. My dream, to have a specialization. Conservation is in the books now.. but academia... SEA academia eh. Haven't dipped my feet in that arena yet.