It's scary knowing that somehow, change has become the only thing that makes me feel alive.
Now i feel like a part of me is slowly slipping into the abyss.

Sometimes when I'm working, I wonder why i keep counting off the minutes till the end of the day. Don't I like what I'm doing? If i do... then shouldn't I just lose myself in it and not care about time? And then I wonder about the people around me. The auntie that comes in around 10am every morning to collect the trash from all the labs... what runs through her mind everyday? When I was having dinner at a fast food chain, I wondered what the auntie clearing the table was thinking. The auntie who gives out flyers everyday at Causeway Point while plugged into her earphones.. the elderly and handicapped selling tissue packets.. the people working at the weekly roadshows... all these people. So many of them.

Maybe for me, I measure how well I've lived my life by how much I've seen and learned. But if I hadn't been as privileged and lucky.. how will I judge how fulfilling my life is?

I need to be more grateful.
Be thankful.
Be kind.  

Moved On

A lot of times i still gripe and feel bitter.
But I know i've moved on, it's just some times it feels nice to vent.
I never forget even after forgiving.
That's bad for me.

Only problem is... I'm possessive.
I don't want my own friends to get hurt, that's why I say things like that.
My friends are mine. Mine to love, mine to protect.
You didn't love with sincerity... so you don't deserve to love them.
They are amazing people.

So this week marks a month since I've started my internship at the Heritage Conservation Center. It's been a really enriching experience and I'm looking forward to the next month and a half. Hopefully I'll get to work on other types of materials. But as of now, I can say that I'm basically a cleaner (for artefacts) lol. The good thing is that you'll always get different things to work on... but right now, I'm bored shitless vacuuming and checking the conditions of boxes and boxes of wayang kulit puppets.

I've probably looked at at least thirty puppets. The workmanship is amazing but i end up not remembering any puppet, except the one of the goat lol. Another thing I'm struggling with is identifying mould. When it's obvious, it's not a problem. But most of the time, I don't know how it looks like macroscopically and even under the microscope, I'm straining my eyes so much that.... I just scribble mould on my condition check list anyway (yes, lazy, irresponsible.).

Hopefully by the end of October, I'll have a job offer and then I can slowly gather experience in this little, yet discreetly, expensive industry. I've applied for positions in NMS, ACM, HCC and NAGA. Curator positions... I'm not that confident in since it seems like you have to really be into symbolism.... and I'm not lol. That's why conservation is good for me. See it as it is, treat it as it is.

Fingers crossed!

Day 1 - 3

Day 1

The whole traveling bit was exhausting and took up so much time that by the time we finally got to Bucharest, I was exhausted. After that it was a 3 - 4 hour drive to our final destination. We got in around 8/9pm local time, shoveled some food down, had a pint at the local village pub/convenience store and then hit the sack. Minus the exhaustion, it was cool knowing that we 'visited' three countries in a day (Frankurt -> Bucharest -> Ruse). I think i might attempt to travel into Frankfurt central when we return. Hopefully 5 hours would be enough.

Day 2

Got up at 8am. Breakfast was bread with ham, salami and cheese. Think it's the Bulgarian way here... but I'm honestly not too much of a fan. I miss my eggs and cereal. And FRUIT!! Can't help comparing with Spain.. our Spanish mama is such a good cook and always whipped up huge portions of Spanish delicacies and every meal was buffet style. There was a lot of fruit and vegetables as well. We would even have fruit bowls in the living room for us to snack on throughout the day. And biscuits and snacks in the cupboards. Man, that's something i miss.

Our Bulgarian mama is really sweet though! And also a good cook, but i just wish we had more vegetables and fruit. Can't believe she's actually doing our laundry and making our beds =____= I'm super grateful but i would really prefer if she didn't since she already has so much to do in addition to cooking our meals and cleaning the house. Really lovely lady though :) Wish my gran was like that.

Anyway, back on to day 2. It was about 20-30mins ride to Cherven and we got an introduction to the site. Really amazing and huge medieval town with lots of churches and a really cool fortress/castle bit. I know zilch about the medieval period (other than the Black Death..) and most people in our group specialize in this period so I'm just listening most of the time. Met the chief archaeologist, Stoyan, who's been working on the site since 1975. After that we went back to the house for lunch and Nikolai basically abandoned us (haha ok kidding) and we spent the afternoon lounging around the house.

Oh did i mention we have a paddling pool?! I'm like WTFFFFF. Seriously, are we on holiday or on a dig? We even have the privilege of having two people share one room! Back in Pintia, we had 14 people in a room with bunk beds. I really like it though :( Was very cosy and everyone got really close in that cramped room. I really miss Pintia :( Really can't help comparing even though this is just the beginning and I'm sure it'll get even better with time... but Pintia set the standard so high and everyone from the program is so amazing!

Day 3

So today was our first official work day. Got up bright and early and we got the 8am public bus to the town of Cherven. Had to walk the remaining distance to the site and climbed up multiple flights of stairs to the peak.... I'm gonna get toned thigh (HOPEFULLY HAHA) by the end of 4 weeks.

First thing on the list was clearing out the area we were gonna work on. Surprisingly, the day before, Stoyan said he hasn't even decided where we were gonna excavate. And today we were told we were gonna work on the same area that the team from last year worked on.. which was covered with overgrowth =_____= Y U NO TAKE GOOD CARE OF THE AREA?! Just covering the whole area with a sheet would help. So much unnecessary trouble.

Yup, so our first day was spent hacking and sweeping up huge piles of weed, grass, twigs, branches, bugs.... whatever. There's a lot of unstratified ceramic in the whole area and lots of bone as well. Everyone was diligently collecting bits and bobs but i think Stoyan has no intention of keeping any of them but was patronizing us lol. We worked till 11am and had a tea break... which was really long actually. (I miss the containers of sandwiches and fruit that Spanish mama would send to us for tea break!) Tea break was a packet of chocolate crossiant (Pintia, you pampered us so much!).

Worked for another 1 hour =____= AND WE HAD LUNCH! Yes, our working hours are weirdly short. Lunch lasted 1 freaking hour and then we worked for another hour and Stoyan sent us home. The public bus wasn't coming till 4:15PM and we ended up sitting around for 1.5 hours which could have been better spent. I understand that every region has their own work ethics but i wasn't expecting it to be so relaxed. Sure, when you are working it is hard work... but clocking less than 5 hours on site?! So slack!

Hopefully we'll get to do some digging tomorrow. The site is brimming with history and I'm looking forward to see what else is hidden beneath the ground :D

Right now, we are just chilling in the garden (plus feeding the local mosquitos). Loving the weather so far! Shall update again soon :)

Reply 1997

"First love. The reason everyone’s first love is beautiful is not only because the love was pretty. At the time of first love, there was a youthfulness that didn’t know how to be wise, a me who was pure to the point of cruelty, and a you whose fire I couldn’t handle. It’s because I already know that I can never go back to that youthful, innocent, passionate time."

"First love is reckless. Without calculating, it throws everything in with pure passion, and inevitably fails. But that’s why it’s dramatic—the reckless tales wrapped up in experiences or feelings that you can never have again."

"First love is a time. Once it passes, it’s gone. Now you have to give a new love and a new time a chance. It might not be the experience or the purity of first love, but out of that scar is a love that grows and becomes a little more mature—you have to wait for an adult love. Only those who wait can dream of love."

Cause when I die, then I die loving you

Life has led us here
Together all these years
This house that we have made
Holds twenty-thousand days
And memories we've saved
Since life has led us here

It's weird that this day that I've dreaded and feared is finally here. Like a dream. Or nightmare. Every time I leave, the thing that looms over my head like an overbearing dark cloud is that what if anything happened to them while I was gone? And when it did, every time my heart sank. I don't know whether being away is good, because I know being by their side and watching them suffer would break my heart. But not being with them is equally as hard. I worry myself sick and every time my phone rings, I dread what's waiting for me.

Before I left, i told her that i'll be back real soon. Just 3 more months! And then i'll be home to cuddle her and walk her. I can't believe this is happening man. The thing about death is.. no matter how you kick and scream and deny it, it just descends on you whether you like it or not and knocks the wind out of you. It takes your tears, your energy, your emotions... everything. I'm heading home in a few days but i don't want to be optimistic because doing so will make it even harder. It's this whole 'so close, yet so far' notion that is draining my soul. What if she goes while I'm on my way? What then? What then?

I'm just sorry that I can't be there beside her. I am so so so sorry.

And I'm so scared of that point in time when I'll step into the house and I'll no longer hear little feet scurrying to welcome me.

It's all these times when I regret even leaving at all.

A white blank page and a swelling rage, rage
You did not think when you sent me to the brink, to the brink
You desired my attention but denied my affections, my affections

I think I've become a pro at numbing myself, or running away from my fears.
Reading a book about disturbed kids and I've been kinda wondering if i have conditioned myself to accept all my idiosyncrasies or perhaps amplified them. Surely I wasn't like that before.. but I'm pretty damn sure that it was at first something that was avoidable.. but i chose to crash head first. Now, I'm wounded, pretty sure scarred. Stuck in a place where I can't let myself recover. Once again, it's a choice, and I'm making the less sensible one.

Funny how we sometimes choose the less viable route when it's so obvious what is best for yourself.

Sometimes I revel in my loneliness.
Sometimes I am angered by it.

But every time someone gets close, all i want them to do is step away.
This space has become so sacred and so personal...
Have i forgotten how to share my soul?

Sometimes I take the easier way out and I blame.
I blame you and you. Both of you for taking advantage of my trust.
But then... the blame just hits the wall and falls flat on nothing.
But it's the easy way out.

Most times, I just forget and lose myself in what I have. 

But do not ask the price I paid,
I must live with my quiet rage,
Tame the ghosts in my head,
That run wild and wish me dead.