The first time I publicly acknowledged that my parents were divorced was a very sobering moment. It was in one of my first year anthropology class. We had to construct our family tree with a partner. At that point in time, it was already official. I stayed out of it as much as possible, only hearing details from my mother's regular rants (that I avoided).

In that moment, it really hit me. My parents aren't together anymore.. at least officially. But nothing changed. Things changed on paper, but in reality, everything was exactly the same.

I don't know what's best for us.
I long took the 'don't give a fuck' approach. Or as little fuck as possible.
But sometimes I just feel so..... disappointed.

And betrayed.

Love may not last forever. Relationships may not work out. And this idea that you have to be bounded to one person, at least on paper, this whole ritual.. it's romantic but isn't it stifling sometimes? Especially in Asian cultures. Conservative traditions means that we have to place the unit before our own happiness. The family always comes first. And this works out really well when both individuals are truly devoted and in love with one another.. all the way till death. At least that's what we have been brought up to believe.

But I know, at least from all the stories, that most families don't end up like that. Couples end up being in some kind of domestic partnership that is devoid of love. They just live and put up with each other.

Sometimes I wonder.. if I'm in that situation... would I hold on to my loyalty because that's what expected of me?

Or should I take love as it comes and goes?
When there's no longer any happiness or hope in one love.. would it be better to let it go?
Not to start looking again, but at least to be at peace with yourself.

This four letter word.. i wish it could be as simple as i want it to be.