Reply 1997

"First love. The reason everyone’s first love is beautiful is not only because the love was pretty. At the time of first love, there was a youthfulness that didn’t know how to be wise, a me who was pure to the point of cruelty, and a you whose fire I couldn’t handle. It’s because I already know that I can never go back to that youthful, innocent, passionate time."

"First love is reckless. Without calculating, it throws everything in with pure passion, and inevitably fails. But that’s why it’s dramatic—the reckless tales wrapped up in experiences or feelings that you can never have again."

"First love is a time. Once it passes, it’s gone. Now you have to give a new love and a new time a chance. It might not be the experience or the purity of first love, but out of that scar is a love that grows and becomes a little more mature—you have to wait for an adult love. Only those who wait can dream of love."

Cause when I die, then I die loving you

Life has led us here
Together all these years
This house that we have made
Holds twenty-thousand days
And memories we've saved
Since life has led us here

It's weird that this day that I've dreaded and feared is finally here. Like a dream. Or nightmare. Every time I leave, the thing that looms over my head like an overbearing dark cloud is that what if anything happened to them while I was gone? And when it did, every time my heart sank. I don't know whether being away is good, because I know being by their side and watching them suffer would break my heart. But not being with them is equally as hard. I worry myself sick and every time my phone rings, I dread what's waiting for me.

Before I left, i told her that i'll be back real soon. Just 3 more months! And then i'll be home to cuddle her and walk her. I can't believe this is happening man. The thing about death is.. no matter how you kick and scream and deny it, it just descends on you whether you like it or not and knocks the wind out of you. It takes your tears, your energy, your emotions... everything. I'm heading home in a few days but i don't want to be optimistic because doing so will make it even harder. It's this whole 'so close, yet so far' notion that is draining my soul. What if she goes while I'm on my way? What then? What then?

I'm just sorry that I can't be there beside her. I am so so so sorry.

And I'm so scared of that point in time when I'll step into the house and I'll no longer hear little feet scurrying to welcome me.

It's all these times when I regret even leaving at all.

A white blank page and a swelling rage, rage
You did not think when you sent me to the brink, to the brink
You desired my attention but denied my affections, my affections

I think I've become a pro at numbing myself, or running away from my fears.
Reading a book about disturbed kids and I've been kinda wondering if i have conditioned myself to accept all my idiosyncrasies or perhaps amplified them. Surely I wasn't like that before.. but I'm pretty damn sure that it was at first something that was avoidable.. but i chose to crash head first. Now, I'm wounded, pretty sure scarred. Stuck in a place where I can't let myself recover. Once again, it's a choice, and I'm making the less sensible one.

Funny how we sometimes choose the less viable route when it's so obvious what is best for yourself.

Sometimes I revel in my loneliness.
Sometimes I am angered by it.

But every time someone gets close, all i want them to do is step away.
This space has become so sacred and so personal...
Have i forgotten how to share my soul?

Sometimes I take the easier way out and I blame.
I blame you and you. Both of you for taking advantage of my trust.
But then... the blame just hits the wall and falls flat on nothing.
But it's the easy way out.

Most times, I just forget and lose myself in what I have. 

But do not ask the price I paid,
I must live with my quiet rage,
Tame the ghosts in my head,
That run wild and wish me dead.

Juice Fast Day 2 + BREAK FAST HAHA

Okayyyyy, yes i broke my fast today (day 3).

So yesterday, I woke up feeling light-headed and proceeded to make myself my breakfast juice. Sorry, didn't note that down but i remember it was really good. No hunger pangs throughout the day and made juice every 2 hours. But i had to work on my essay and it became really hard because I couldn't concentrate. I was writing it, but my mind was still quite buzzed out... so nope, that bit sucked.

I was quite enjoying the fact that i wasn't craving anything, considering how much i love to snack, but then i was also getting really worried because (awkward much) I haven't pooped AT ALL. Even before i started the fast i wasn't having regular bowel movements and no matter what I tried (drinking loads of water, tea, eating yogurt, veges, fruits..) it wasn't improving. I was hoping the juice fast would help but yeah, it didn't either. And all i could think of was junk building up in my intestines =____= EW. So that's the main reason why I'm breaking fast today - getting my system back to normal first!

Also, we spent 4 hours (11pm-3am) at A&E last night because my friend sliced her finger. ALL SHE NEEDED WAS A FREAKING ANTI-SEPTIC BANDAID!! I was kinda hoping she would get stitches or glued (lol sorry) but just a band-aid.. okay I should be glad that it wasn't anything serious. Nonetheless, I had a bottle of water with my that i guzzled up in the first hour. And I felt really giddy and out of it throughout our wait. Got myself a cup of tea. Helped a bit. But not having enough water and feeling the effects of it was irritating.

Right, so back to Day 3.

I know I shouldn't eat bread and carbs and stuff yet... but I did. So for breakfast, I had:
home-made bread with hummus
punnet of green grapes
handful of cherry tomatoes
one hard boiled egg

It made me pretty full, which I'm super impressed about. Usually it takes way more than that to get me filled up, but i think the cleanse over the last two days really helped out my eating habits.

Also, I felt weird without juice and after breakfast, I made myself apple and celery. Could this be a start of a new habit?

Regardless, even though I lasted only for two days, it was an interesting experience. I wouldn't go on it for too long though - love food too much. I'm gonna switch my meals up a bit as well, adding juice here and there as a meal :) I would definitely go on a juice fast again and LAST THE THREE DAYS. Also, wouldn't hurt with a better blender / juicer :)

Juice Fast Day 1

Right, so my blender is gonna go ka-pish soon due to our occasional abuse of it over the last two years. Please just last for the next few days!!

Woke up and made myself a bowl (what? lazy student here!!) of carrot and apple juice. I don't have a juicer, as said, so had to resort to this method:


It works well for me, so no complains there.. at least not for now. I diluted it with quite a lot of water and it surprisingly still tasted yummy. Wasn't hungry through the afternoon as i went for a walk and to grab more ammo for my juice gun. I think this was because of all the extra calories I've had over the last three days. I know i should have weaned myself off food first before attempting anything, but sofar.. my body isn't reacting too badly. No side effects of nausea or giddiness yet, woohoo!

Next concoction i tried was:
Cucumber + apples + kale + orange

I've never had a good impression of green juices because they used to sell some kinda grassy nasty fluid probably a decade ago and it was the trend! There were aunties offering little cups of the green liquid at supermarkets and I remember trying one.... and vowing never to go near anything like it again. It was YUCKY!

But now that I'm an adult (hur hur yeah right), maybe what tasted bad when i was young would be palatable right now. Anyhow, I wasn't too keen on green/vege juices but I know they are essential in a juice fast. I know cucumber isn't technically a vegetable, but it's green la okay HAHA ;x okay, point is... the juice was DELICIOUS. I really enjoyed it and have another glass nursing in the fridge for later.

I'm gonna try making a 'greener' juice later in the day, maybe some kale, spinach, celery and apples/carrots to sweeten it up.

Sofar the verdict is:
I'm feeling pretty okay, but i can sense mucus building up in my nose.. which I've read is normal. No hunger pangs yet, but knowing me and my habits... it'll come sooner or later. Hopefully I'll hold out and not reach for some hummus on toast anytime soon :(

Oh and drinking lots of green tea too! 

Juice Fast: Yay or Nay?

So I've been contemplating on going on a juice fast recently as a sort of master cleanse to get rid of the crap in my body. God knows I've not been eating well AT ALL. Your body is your temple... and well, my body is now a dumpster. Sorry body, I really ought to treat you better.

Anyhow, so aside from my lack of self-discipline and control... I really do have everything I need.

1) A Blender
I should use a juicer, but I'm a poor student who has to rely on her ex boyfriend's portable blender. Making do!

2) Fruits
Now that I'm back in the UK, it's way easier to watch what I eat. That's a huge issue back home, considering my auntie consistently and diligently worries about whether I've eaten and buys me my favourite (unhealthy) food even when I don't ask. It's like, I want to cook or use the kitchen but it feels weird since it's technically her territory. Okay, excuses i know! Anyhow, I just bought a bag of carrots and apples :D My favourite juice combi!

I'm actually having a cup of apple+carrot juice right now, but it's pretty weird because it's more... mush than juice. I added water to it to make it more 'drinkable' but this is totally not the kinda stuff I had at home. Man, I miss my juicer.

Right, so I'm considering embarking on my virgin cleanse starting tomorrow. I haven't bought all the fruits and vegetables I'll be using. Might be good cause it gives me an excuse to head out to the supermarket (my favourite place!) and also to get some sun and fresh air. I'm a total kermit. No need to go out? Hell yeah, I'm staying in.

I've read quite a few articles about it to know what to expect, but I'm not sure if i've gone the ten miles to really educate myself on this.... but we'll see how it goes. Best way to learn is to try it for yourself, eh?

Day 1 starts tomorrow. Or maybe the day after. Or the day day day after.

See, I'm a big ass procrastinator (literally big assed)

I don't know whether it's a biological problem.. or just a mental/emotional thing.

I can't seem to concentrate and my brain always feels shrouded, like it's caught in a net. I don't know what's wrong. I feel weird. Weird as hell. It's been awhile.