Sometimes I wake up on the wrong side of the bed. You know that feeling? When you feel a smidges of sadness lobed everywhere. If only it works this way.. I would take a pin and probe around my body, picking out these little balls of gloom. 

If I could, I want to examine them under a microscope. Maybe they would give me an idea about why I'm feeling this way. 

Why sometimes I hate the people that I love so dearly.

Why i want to be a good or nice or better person, but that's denying the ugly part of me.. And when that part of me rears its ugly head... I find it so hard to come to terms with it. 

Today everywhere looks drab and grey. 

So last night was embarrassing...

Going abroad has taught me how to keep myself in check. Like learning how to say 'fuck it, move on', controlling my temper and watching my ego.

But sometimes, that egoistical part of myself rears its ugly head and man, I always wake up the next day feeling a wave of regret wash over me. Like, ah fuck, what did you do this time?

So last night, I drank quite a bit. L told me I'm just weak la. Haha, okay, i don't know if i'm a good drinker or not actually.. but judging from the people i usually drink with, i would say i'm okay. But last night, I went way over my limit. The whiskey was really good though, but adding that to my wine and beer-loaded tummy was a very stupid decision.

Result was horribly embarrassing. I fell asleep and suddenly woke up feeling like I had to be home. That this whole context wasn't one I was comfortable being in. I think i thoroughly pissed my friends off and was pretty mean to them as well. Argh. Guilty. But i guess when it comes to dealing with drunk idiots... there's no other way but to be harsh to them.. so good thing they didn't just let me climb over their heads.

And this isn't the first time I acted like a complete idiot when intoxicated. I never learn, do i?

Right, so i think i need to add - be a more considerate drinker to my resolutions. 

Tumblr is really where I find comfort in times like this.
Every time I'm heartbroken, feeling some kind of despair.. tumblr helps.
Therapy in the form of art and beauty.

And every post is a reflection of me.
Every post embodies all the emotions running through me. 

Sometimes I look through my archives... and it's funny, but I feel sorry for that me in the past.
Like I just want to pat her and say, 'hey, it's gonna be okay'

Maybe I should do that to the present me.
Hey, it's gonna be okay.

The first time I publicly acknowledged that my parents were divorced was a very sobering moment. It was in one of my first year anthropology class. We had to construct our family tree with a partner. At that point in time, it was already official. I stayed out of it as much as possible, only hearing details from my mother's regular rants (that I avoided).

In that moment, it really hit me. My parents aren't together anymore.. at least officially. But nothing changed. Things changed on paper, but in reality, everything was exactly the same.

I don't know what's best for us.
I long took the 'don't give a fuck' approach. Or as little fuck as possible.
But sometimes I just feel so..... disappointed.

And betrayed.

Love may not last forever. Relationships may not work out. And this idea that you have to be bounded to one person, at least on paper, this whole ritual.. it's romantic but isn't it stifling sometimes? Especially in Asian cultures. Conservative traditions means that we have to place the unit before our own happiness. The family always comes first. And this works out really well when both individuals are truly devoted and in love with one another.. all the way till death. At least that's what we have been brought up to believe.

But I know, at least from all the stories, that most families don't end up like that. Couples end up being in some kind of domestic partnership that is devoid of love. They just live and put up with each other.

Sometimes I wonder.. if I'm in that situation... would I hold on to my loyalty because that's what expected of me?

Or should I take love as it comes and goes?
When there's no longer any happiness or hope in one love.. would it be better to let it go?
Not to start looking again, but at least to be at peace with yourself.

This four letter word.. i wish it could be as simple as i want it to be. 
 

Simple

Right now, the only thing that will make life perfect would be to get the job. I think life has been pretty smooth sailing since graduating... and I am so thankful, so so so thankful.

It'll keep getting better eh?

Can't believe I graduated in June. Feels like forever. Feels like I never left.

"So, this is my life. And I want you to know that I am both happy and sad and I'm still trying to figure out how that could be."

"It's just that I don't want to be somebody's crush. If somebody likes me, I want them to like the real me, not what they think I am. And I don't want them to carry it around inside. I want them to show me, so I can feel it too. I want them to be able to do whatever they want around me. And if they do something I don't like, I'll tell them."

The idea of love, of falling for someone, of holding hands and kissing in the rain, of warmth and comfort... romance is sweet. I love romance. I fall head over heels in love with romance. But when romance dies out... and the rose colored glasses are taken off, how do you live with what's left?

And yet the thought of being alone for who knows how long.
That's equally as terrifying.

To love or not to?
To try or not to?

But the world works in mysterious ways.
Universe, I have faith in you.
Good things will come to those who wait. 

Teenage Woes

AMAGAD GUYS

WHAT KIND OF HAIR IS THIS HAHAH

I was uploading some photos from a buncha CDs containing old photos..... and omfg, I WAS SO UGLY PLEASE. Not that I didn't know how unattractive I looked then la... but looking at the photos now, wha fuck. Even though this is super thick-skinned of me, I JUST WANT TO SAY I BECAME SO MUCH MORE ATTRACTIVE HAHAHAH.

And man, even though i still get pimples, it's not as bad as when i was in JC.
OMG. I was so ugly in JC.
Like WTF happened to my eyes!!!!

old school selca yo. see my eyes...... omfggggg....

All ODAC's fault.... and my own for not protecting my skin. I had a lot of confidence issues when I was in JC because of my horrible skin. I couldn't even look at myself in the mirror and every time I went to the toilet, I'd always avert my eyes while washing up at the sink. It was horrible. I remember feeling so horrible that I hid my face even from W. I really felt ugly then. And I knew people were talking about my bad skin, like some times I overheard people saying it right in front of me.. wow, that hurt like a bitch. Once, my ODAC teacher said it to my face and I went right to the toilet to cry.

And the thing was, I was actually trying to make it better. I went for facials, did some peeling shit, I even decided to go to New York Skin solutions but backed out at the last minute because of the bad reviews online. I tried to do simple home facials with egg whites.. tried the aspirin scrub Michelle Phan recommended...  I was really desperate. Eventually I got my mum to take me to the dermatologist to get some oinments and creams and finally, it got slightly better. And wow, being a teenager with no resources or ways to help yourself despite all your efforts, that sucked. It also didn't help that my mum wasn't one too concerned with superficial things. In that aspect, i really could have used her help.. but all i got were comments instead of much more active assistance.. until I insisted on going to the doctor's.

Oh well, those dark days continued even when I went to uni... and UK.... but i think they are more or less over now....
My skin is obviously faaaarrrrrrrrr from perfect and I still get major breakouts. But it's way way way way way better than before and at least now I have the courage to look at myself in public toilets. You must be like 'then you must take better care of your skin mah!!' whalau, you think I never meh? when i have skin that is so sensitive and with a mind of its own, even with my best efforts it can still go cray cray.

All the horrible feelings are coming back to me now.... wow, I must have put all these bad thoughts in the back of my mind. Thinking about it now... man, it still stings.

Anyhow, what doesn't kill you makes you stronger.
Younger Jiggy, it's been hard on you.

On the bright side, I WAS SO FUCKING SKINNY IN JC LEH WHALAU.

Thank god for braces as well.

Okay, i know my hairstyle now is still shit hahaha.
I guess I'll always be an awkward teen.

Hoarders

I don't know if I should say le Zhang fam are hoarders.... but man, I'm so frustrated with all the hidden junk. My auntie does such a good job of keeping our house tidy that you never would know how much shit we have. My mum wants to keep EVERYTHING. Whatever we want to throw out, she says she'll find a use for them... or should donate them to the needy... or it's such a waste, it's still functional..... and then what happens? It ends up where it is for another 5 years.

So now that I'm back and feel like I have more weight around the house (not my mass/weight ok hahaha), I've been slowly chucking stuff out. Those that can be recycled, are recycled, those that I'm not sure of just goes right into the bin. I'm so unsure about what can and cannot be recycled though since Singapore still isn't too invested in going green (which sucks considering how developed a nation we are). And electronics! The garang guni man doesn't even want our stuff man. He told me to call up those recycling companies that collect e-waste but I've been on their websites, and they seem to do more corporate collections than domestic. The only convenient collection point i've found still requires my mum to drive me there.... and she's already made it very clear that she's not gonna waste her precious weekend doing it. Boo. So i've just been leaving them near the rubbish point downstairs and I FEEL SO GUILTY DOING IT!! Because it seems like we're just off-loading our problem onto someone else =________=

Anyway, I'm hoping to get our home properly spring cleaned as soon as my internship ends :D Quite excited for that. Oh and I just took off the swivelly thing that my old monitor was on and disconnected all the old wires from my desktop.... everything does in the trash tomorrow.Now my table seems so spacious. Wowza.

To a better and cleaner tomorrow!