So my long weekend is coming to an end (sad face) and it's back to reality tomorrow. The wedding was great and I enjoyed catching up with old friends, meeting long lost ones and just watching my best friend embark on her next phase in life. It felt great being surrounded by people I love and i felt so grateful for all that I had. There was a tiny thorn in my side, but i think the people around me shielded me very well that I didn't even notice their presence.

Anyway, I've been feeling fearful of two things recently - growing old and getting sick. I see all the aunties at the gym working so hard but it's so much harder for them to reach their goals. I'm kinda at the prime of my life.. but so lazy! And i just keep thinking... one day I'll be like them too. One day i'll be one of those aunties who stare at youngsters, probing them to give up their seats for me. Who always think that I'm right because of my age. I'll have dry and wrinkled skin.. and saggy cheeks. Ah god. That thought scares me. I guess we really do take our youth for granted.... one day, i won't even be able to climb a mountain anymore. There's  so many things that I want to do. What am i doing now?

I'm only less than two months into my job.. but is it weird that i wonder if i can do this for the long term? maybe because I'm still learning and the bulk of my responsibilities are still on hold.. but i really wonder whether i'll be doing this 20 years down the road. I do enjoy my job, but when i step into a museum.. the feeling is different.. and i wonder if i should have been a curator instead?

Or maybe gone into academia? I've looked up some masters courses in history.. just browsing only la. Or maybe be a tour guide? since i do feel really happy and at peace every time i'm exploring our sunny little island.

i guess the misconception i've had when growing up was that once you get your first job, that's going to be forever.

obviously not.

maybe one day i'll be a chef.

Today I feel sad.

Sad because you wouldn't listen.
Sad because when i wanted to apologize and you didn't open the door.
Sad that I let my hot head get to me time and time again.
Sad that I threw the envelop at the door.
Sad that you posted something that might be referring to me.

Sad that if what you posted is referring to me... that you thought this was about money.
Sad that you think that I wouldn't give you money.

Maybe it's the hormones.
This weekend, I've done much but once i get home, I can feel the anger bubbling up. I feel so mad with you and your pride, and your attitude at times like this. I feel so fucking mad that tears keep falling and my heart keeps getting twisted into a huge knot. I want to just stab my heart with a stick and turn it the other way it's twisting. 

I'm so mad with you.
I'm so mad with you ever since I was 13.
But I love you more than my anger.

Sometimes i think the only good thing that came out of this family is my brother.

I remember the first time it happened, when there was all that yelling and screaming and breaking and shattering and crying.. so much crying. He went and yelled at them "do you want to see mei mei being so sad again?!" that made me cry even more and at that point in time I felt so grateful to him because I needed someone to lean on and he was the only one i could hold on to while the two pillars of my life were crumbling.

And every time they made him cry, I really hated them.
He never cried unless it was really really bad.

How could both of you stand to see him weep? 


  

“Sometimes I feel like there’s a hole inside of me, an emptiness that at times seems to burn. I think if you lifted my heart to your ear, you could probably hear the ocean. The moon tonight, there’s a circle around it. Sign of trouble not far behind. I have this dream of being whole. Of not going to sleep each night, wanting. But still sometimes, when the wind is warm or the crickets sing… I dream of a love that even time will lie down and be still for. I just want someone to love me. I want to be seen. I don’t know.”

Practical Magic (1998)

I'll walk a thousand miles

And be invisible to a thousand eyes

Invincible at times

Defeatable at every second

And my words will be whispered

Falling on deafened ears

Caught up in nothing 

Sometimes I wake up on the wrong side of the bed. You know that feeling? When you feel a smidges of sadness lobed everywhere. If only it works this way.. I would take a pin and probe around my body, picking out these little balls of gloom. 

If I could, I want to examine them under a microscope. Maybe they would give me an idea about why I'm feeling this way. 

Why sometimes I hate the people that I love so dearly.

Why i want to be a good or nice or better person, but that's denying the ugly part of me.. And when that part of me rears its ugly head... I find it so hard to come to terms with it. 

Today everywhere looks drab and grey. 

So last night was embarrassing...

Going abroad has taught me how to keep myself in check. Like learning how to say 'fuck it, move on', controlling my temper and watching my ego.

But sometimes, that egoistical part of myself rears its ugly head and man, I always wake up the next day feeling a wave of regret wash over me. Like, ah fuck, what did you do this time?

So last night, I drank quite a bit. L told me I'm just weak la. Haha, okay, i don't know if i'm a good drinker or not actually.. but judging from the people i usually drink with, i would say i'm okay. But last night, I went way over my limit. The whiskey was really good though, but adding that to my wine and beer-loaded tummy was a very stupid decision.

Result was horribly embarrassing. I fell asleep and suddenly woke up feeling like I had to be home. That this whole context wasn't one I was comfortable being in. I think i thoroughly pissed my friends off and was pretty mean to them as well. Argh. Guilty. But i guess when it comes to dealing with drunk idiots... there's no other way but to be harsh to them.. so good thing they didn't just let me climb over their heads.

And this isn't the first time I acted like a complete idiot when intoxicated. I never learn, do i?

Right, so i think i need to add - be a more considerate drinker to my resolutions. 

Tumblr is really where I find comfort in times like this.
Every time I'm heartbroken, feeling some kind of despair.. tumblr helps.
Therapy in the form of art and beauty.

And every post is a reflection of me.
Every post embodies all the emotions running through me. 

Sometimes I look through my archives... and it's funny, but I feel sorry for that me in the past.
Like I just want to pat her and say, 'hey, it's gonna be okay'

Maybe I should do that to the present me.
Hey, it's gonna be okay.

The first time I publicly acknowledged that my parents were divorced was a very sobering moment. It was in one of my first year anthropology class. We had to construct our family tree with a partner. At that point in time, it was already official. I stayed out of it as much as possible, only hearing details from my mother's regular rants (that I avoided).

In that moment, it really hit me. My parents aren't together anymore.. at least officially. But nothing changed. Things changed on paper, but in reality, everything was exactly the same.

I don't know what's best for us.
I long took the 'don't give a fuck' approach. Or as little fuck as possible.
But sometimes I just feel so..... disappointed.

And betrayed.

Love may not last forever. Relationships may not work out. And this idea that you have to be bounded to one person, at least on paper, this whole ritual.. it's romantic but isn't it stifling sometimes? Especially in Asian cultures. Conservative traditions means that we have to place the unit before our own happiness. The family always comes first. And this works out really well when both individuals are truly devoted and in love with one another.. all the way till death. At least that's what we have been brought up to believe.

But I know, at least from all the stories, that most families don't end up like that. Couples end up being in some kind of domestic partnership that is devoid of love. They just live and put up with each other.

Sometimes I wonder.. if I'm in that situation... would I hold on to my loyalty because that's what expected of me?

Or should I take love as it comes and goes?
When there's no longer any happiness or hope in one love.. would it be better to let it go?
Not to start looking again, but at least to be at peace with yourself.

This four letter word.. i wish it could be as simple as i want it to be. 
 

Simple

Right now, the only thing that will make life perfect would be to get the job. I think life has been pretty smooth sailing since graduating... and I am so thankful, so so so thankful.

It'll keep getting better eh?

Can't believe I graduated in June. Feels like forever. Feels like I never left.

"So, this is my life. And I want you to know that I am both happy and sad and I'm still trying to figure out how that could be."

"It's just that I don't want to be somebody's crush. If somebody likes me, I want them to like the real me, not what they think I am. And I don't want them to carry it around inside. I want them to show me, so I can feel it too. I want them to be able to do whatever they want around me. And if they do something I don't like, I'll tell them."

The idea of love, of falling for someone, of holding hands and kissing in the rain, of warmth and comfort... romance is sweet. I love romance. I fall head over heels in love with romance. But when romance dies out... and the rose colored glasses are taken off, how do you live with what's left?

And yet the thought of being alone for who knows how long.
That's equally as terrifying.

To love or not to?
To try or not to?

But the world works in mysterious ways.
Universe, I have faith in you.
Good things will come to those who wait. 

Teenage Woes

AMAGAD GUYS

WHAT KIND OF HAIR IS THIS HAHAH

I was uploading some photos from a buncha CDs containing old photos..... and omfg, I WAS SO UGLY PLEASE. Not that I didn't know how unattractive I looked then la... but looking at the photos now, wha fuck. Even though this is super thick-skinned of me, I JUST WANT TO SAY I BECAME SO MUCH MORE ATTRACTIVE HAHAHAH.

And man, even though i still get pimples, it's not as bad as when i was in JC.
OMG. I was so ugly in JC.
Like WTF happened to my eyes!!!!

old school selca yo. see my eyes...... omfggggg....

All ODAC's fault.... and my own for not protecting my skin. I had a lot of confidence issues when I was in JC because of my horrible skin. I couldn't even look at myself in the mirror and every time I went to the toilet, I'd always avert my eyes while washing up at the sink. It was horrible. I remember feeling so horrible that I hid my face even from W. I really felt ugly then. And I knew people were talking about my bad skin, like some times I overheard people saying it right in front of me.. wow, that hurt like a bitch. Once, my ODAC teacher said it to my face and I went right to the toilet to cry.

And the thing was, I was actually trying to make it better. I went for facials, did some peeling shit, I even decided to go to New York Skin solutions but backed out at the last minute because of the bad reviews online. I tried to do simple home facials with egg whites.. tried the aspirin scrub Michelle Phan recommended...  I was really desperate. Eventually I got my mum to take me to the dermatologist to get some oinments and creams and finally, it got slightly better. And wow, being a teenager with no resources or ways to help yourself despite all your efforts, that sucked. It also didn't help that my mum wasn't one too concerned with superficial things. In that aspect, i really could have used her help.. but all i got were comments instead of much more active assistance.. until I insisted on going to the doctor's.

Oh well, those dark days continued even when I went to uni... and UK.... but i think they are more or less over now....
My skin is obviously faaaarrrrrrrrr from perfect and I still get major breakouts. But it's way way way way way better than before and at least now I have the courage to look at myself in public toilets. You must be like 'then you must take better care of your skin mah!!' whalau, you think I never meh? when i have skin that is so sensitive and with a mind of its own, even with my best efforts it can still go cray cray.

All the horrible feelings are coming back to me now.... wow, I must have put all these bad thoughts in the back of my mind. Thinking about it now... man, it still stings.

Anyhow, what doesn't kill you makes you stronger.
Younger Jiggy, it's been hard on you.

On the bright side, I WAS SO FUCKING SKINNY IN JC LEH WHALAU.

Thank god for braces as well.

Okay, i know my hairstyle now is still shit hahaha.
I guess I'll always be an awkward teen.

Hoarders

I don't know if I should say le Zhang fam are hoarders.... but man, I'm so frustrated with all the hidden junk. My auntie does such a good job of keeping our house tidy that you never would know how much shit we have. My mum wants to keep EVERYTHING. Whatever we want to throw out, she says she'll find a use for them... or should donate them to the needy... or it's such a waste, it's still functional..... and then what happens? It ends up where it is for another 5 years.

So now that I'm back and feel like I have more weight around the house (not my mass/weight ok hahaha), I've been slowly chucking stuff out. Those that can be recycled, are recycled, those that I'm not sure of just goes right into the bin. I'm so unsure about what can and cannot be recycled though since Singapore still isn't too invested in going green (which sucks considering how developed a nation we are). And electronics! The garang guni man doesn't even want our stuff man. He told me to call up those recycling companies that collect e-waste but I've been on their websites, and they seem to do more corporate collections than domestic. The only convenient collection point i've found still requires my mum to drive me there.... and she's already made it very clear that she's not gonna waste her precious weekend doing it. Boo. So i've just been leaving them near the rubbish point downstairs and I FEEL SO GUILTY DOING IT!! Because it seems like we're just off-loading our problem onto someone else =________=

Anyway, I'm hoping to get our home properly spring cleaned as soon as my internship ends :D Quite excited for that. Oh and I just took off the swivelly thing that my old monitor was on and disconnected all the old wires from my desktop.... everything does in the trash tomorrow.Now my table seems so spacious. Wowza.

To a better and cleaner tomorrow!

Y'know, in the past I would have at least tried to convince myself to get back to blogging... but I've completely fallen off the bandwagon, which is to say, I'm a lazy bitch. Anyhow, I've given myself the day off of work (hehe i blame monday blues and uhm, indigestion) and weirdly, did not sleep in. It's just ten past nine now and I think I should do my little space a bit of justice with some ramblings.

I have 3 more weeks left on my internship. It's been a very insightful journey and at the same time, has once again destroyed the romanticized view I had of this job. Other than getting to wear a spiffy white lab coat and feeling like an important agent with an access card-key to various labs, the job is surprisingly... technical. I know, I'm an idiot hahaha. Obviously it's going to be technical!! I just didn't expect so much sweeping and swabbing and strain on my eyes.That's not all I do okay! I've used several mechanical tools I never even knew existed and all the vocational training has made me realize how much of a hands-on person I am.

Back to the topic - not to say I'm not enjoying work, I honestly am. Every time I walk into a store, I feel very alive and captivated by all the artefacts and it's a pity hardly anyone knows about our huge collections. And looking at them, I do want to continue my long-established goal of safeguarding and conserving them. Just that work has been pretty slow for me, since I am still an intern, and having a not-very-expressive supervisor makes time go by so slowly... so much so that I've fallen asleep while working quite a few times, sneaked off to do mindless things and taken lunch breaks longer than i should. Yes, guilty as charged!

(The Mother just asked me if there isn't any other jobs I'm interested in. No doubt my chao geng antic today has made her think this isn't what I want to do....)
(I've always been chao geng. Not just on this job hehe. Not proud.)

Anyhow, I'm both looking forward and dreading embarking on an official job - perks: financial stability, a job i enjoy, getting to work with artefacts, getting to finally start on my career in the heritage industry.. boo: no more alone time (mega-sob), morning rush (ew), being a civil servant, alone time (worth mentioning again)..


Now I just need to get the job.

*

I actually have more to ramble on, but I shan't make this entry too wordy since I know how short my (and my few readers') attention span is. Toodles!

It's scary knowing that somehow, change has become the only thing that makes me feel alive.
Now i feel like a part of me is slowly slipping into the abyss.

Sometimes when I'm working, I wonder why i keep counting off the minutes till the end of the day. Don't I like what I'm doing? If i do... then shouldn't I just lose myself in it and not care about time? And then I wonder about the people around me. The auntie that comes in around 10am every morning to collect the trash from all the labs... what runs through her mind everyday? When I was having dinner at a fast food chain, I wondered what the auntie clearing the table was thinking. The auntie who gives out flyers everyday at Causeway Point while plugged into her earphones.. the elderly and handicapped selling tissue packets.. the people working at the weekly roadshows... all these people. So many of them.

Maybe for me, I measure how well I've lived my life by how much I've seen and learned. But if I hadn't been as privileged and lucky.. how will I judge how fulfilling my life is?

I need to be more grateful.
Be thankful.
Be kind.  

Moved On

A lot of times i still gripe and feel bitter.
But I know i've moved on, it's just some times it feels nice to vent.
I never forget even after forgiving.
That's bad for me.

Only problem is... I'm possessive.
I don't want my own friends to get hurt, that's why I say things like that.
My friends are mine. Mine to love, mine to protect.
You didn't love with sincerity... so you don't deserve to love them.
They are amazing people.

So this week marks a month since I've started my internship at the Heritage Conservation Center. It's been a really enriching experience and I'm looking forward to the next month and a half. Hopefully I'll get to work on other types of materials. But as of now, I can say that I'm basically a cleaner (for artefacts) lol. The good thing is that you'll always get different things to work on... but right now, I'm bored shitless vacuuming and checking the conditions of boxes and boxes of wayang kulit puppets.

I've probably looked at at least thirty puppets. The workmanship is amazing but i end up not remembering any puppet, except the one of the goat lol. Another thing I'm struggling with is identifying mould. When it's obvious, it's not a problem. But most of the time, I don't know how it looks like macroscopically and even under the microscope, I'm straining my eyes so much that.... I just scribble mould on my condition check list anyway (yes, lazy, irresponsible.).

Hopefully by the end of October, I'll have a job offer and then I can slowly gather experience in this little, yet discreetly, expensive industry. I've applied for positions in NMS, ACM, HCC and NAGA. Curator positions... I'm not that confident in since it seems like you have to really be into symbolism.... and I'm not lol. That's why conservation is good for me. See it as it is, treat it as it is.

Fingers crossed!

Day 1 - 3

Day 1

The whole traveling bit was exhausting and took up so much time that by the time we finally got to Bucharest, I was exhausted. After that it was a 3 - 4 hour drive to our final destination. We got in around 8/9pm local time, shoveled some food down, had a pint at the local village pub/convenience store and then hit the sack. Minus the exhaustion, it was cool knowing that we 'visited' three countries in a day (Frankurt -> Bucharest -> Ruse). I think i might attempt to travel into Frankfurt central when we return. Hopefully 5 hours would be enough.

Day 2

Got up at 8am. Breakfast was bread with ham, salami and cheese. Think it's the Bulgarian way here... but I'm honestly not too much of a fan. I miss my eggs and cereal. And FRUIT!! Can't help comparing with Spain.. our Spanish mama is such a good cook and always whipped up huge portions of Spanish delicacies and every meal was buffet style. There was a lot of fruit and vegetables as well. We would even have fruit bowls in the living room for us to snack on throughout the day. And biscuits and snacks in the cupboards. Man, that's something i miss.

Our Bulgarian mama is really sweet though! And also a good cook, but i just wish we had more vegetables and fruit. Can't believe she's actually doing our laundry and making our beds =____= I'm super grateful but i would really prefer if she didn't since she already has so much to do in addition to cooking our meals and cleaning the house. Really lovely lady though :) Wish my gran was like that.

Anyway, back on to day 2. It was about 20-30mins ride to Cherven and we got an introduction to the site. Really amazing and huge medieval town with lots of churches and a really cool fortress/castle bit. I know zilch about the medieval period (other than the Black Death..) and most people in our group specialize in this period so I'm just listening most of the time. Met the chief archaeologist, Stoyan, who's been working on the site since 1975. After that we went back to the house for lunch and Nikolai basically abandoned us (haha ok kidding) and we spent the afternoon lounging around the house.

Oh did i mention we have a paddling pool?! I'm like WTFFFFF. Seriously, are we on holiday or on a dig? We even have the privilege of having two people share one room! Back in Pintia, we had 14 people in a room with bunk beds. I really like it though :( Was very cosy and everyone got really close in that cramped room. I really miss Pintia :( Really can't help comparing even though this is just the beginning and I'm sure it'll get even better with time... but Pintia set the standard so high and everyone from the program is so amazing!

Day 3

So today was our first official work day. Got up bright and early and we got the 8am public bus to the town of Cherven. Had to walk the remaining distance to the site and climbed up multiple flights of stairs to the peak.... I'm gonna get toned thigh (HOPEFULLY HAHA) by the end of 4 weeks.

First thing on the list was clearing out the area we were gonna work on. Surprisingly, the day before, Stoyan said he hasn't even decided where we were gonna excavate. And today we were told we were gonna work on the same area that the team from last year worked on.. which was covered with overgrowth =_____= Y U NO TAKE GOOD CARE OF THE AREA?! Just covering the whole area with a sheet would help. So much unnecessary trouble.

Yup, so our first day was spent hacking and sweeping up huge piles of weed, grass, twigs, branches, bugs.... whatever. There's a lot of unstratified ceramic in the whole area and lots of bone as well. Everyone was diligently collecting bits and bobs but i think Stoyan has no intention of keeping any of them but was patronizing us lol. We worked till 11am and had a tea break... which was really long actually. (I miss the containers of sandwiches and fruit that Spanish mama would send to us for tea break!) Tea break was a packet of chocolate crossiant (Pintia, you pampered us so much!).

Worked for another 1 hour =____= AND WE HAD LUNCH! Yes, our working hours are weirdly short. Lunch lasted 1 freaking hour and then we worked for another hour and Stoyan sent us home. The public bus wasn't coming till 4:15PM and we ended up sitting around for 1.5 hours which could have been better spent. I understand that every region has their own work ethics but i wasn't expecting it to be so relaxed. Sure, when you are working it is hard work... but clocking less than 5 hours on site?! So slack!

Hopefully we'll get to do some digging tomorrow. The site is brimming with history and I'm looking forward to see what else is hidden beneath the ground :D

Right now, we are just chilling in the garden (plus feeding the local mosquitos). Loving the weather so far! Shall update again soon :)

Reply 1997

"First love. The reason everyone’s first love is beautiful is not only because the love was pretty. At the time of first love, there was a youthfulness that didn’t know how to be wise, a me who was pure to the point of cruelty, and a you whose fire I couldn’t handle. It’s because I already know that I can never go back to that youthful, innocent, passionate time."

"First love is reckless. Without calculating, it throws everything in with pure passion, and inevitably fails. But that’s why it’s dramatic—the reckless tales wrapped up in experiences or feelings that you can never have again."

"First love is a time. Once it passes, it’s gone. Now you have to give a new love and a new time a chance. It might not be the experience or the purity of first love, but out of that scar is a love that grows and becomes a little more mature—you have to wait for an adult love. Only those who wait can dream of love."

Cause when I die, then I die loving you

Life has led us here
Together all these years
This house that we have made
Holds twenty-thousand days
And memories we've saved
Since life has led us here

It's weird that this day that I've dreaded and feared is finally here. Like a dream. Or nightmare. Every time I leave, the thing that looms over my head like an overbearing dark cloud is that what if anything happened to them while I was gone? And when it did, every time my heart sank. I don't know whether being away is good, because I know being by their side and watching them suffer would break my heart. But not being with them is equally as hard. I worry myself sick and every time my phone rings, I dread what's waiting for me.

Before I left, i told her that i'll be back real soon. Just 3 more months! And then i'll be home to cuddle her and walk her. I can't believe this is happening man. The thing about death is.. no matter how you kick and scream and deny it, it just descends on you whether you like it or not and knocks the wind out of you. It takes your tears, your energy, your emotions... everything. I'm heading home in a few days but i don't want to be optimistic because doing so will make it even harder. It's this whole 'so close, yet so far' notion that is draining my soul. What if she goes while I'm on my way? What then? What then?

I'm just sorry that I can't be there beside her. I am so so so sorry.

And I'm so scared of that point in time when I'll step into the house and I'll no longer hear little feet scurrying to welcome me.

It's all these times when I regret even leaving at all.

A white blank page and a swelling rage, rage
You did not think when you sent me to the brink, to the brink
You desired my attention but denied my affections, my affections

I think I've become a pro at numbing myself, or running away from my fears.
Reading a book about disturbed kids and I've been kinda wondering if i have conditioned myself to accept all my idiosyncrasies or perhaps amplified them. Surely I wasn't like that before.. but I'm pretty damn sure that it was at first something that was avoidable.. but i chose to crash head first. Now, I'm wounded, pretty sure scarred. Stuck in a place where I can't let myself recover. Once again, it's a choice, and I'm making the less sensible one.

Funny how we sometimes choose the less viable route when it's so obvious what is best for yourself.

Sometimes I revel in my loneliness.
Sometimes I am angered by it.

But every time someone gets close, all i want them to do is step away.
This space has become so sacred and so personal...
Have i forgotten how to share my soul?

Sometimes I take the easier way out and I blame.
I blame you and you. Both of you for taking advantage of my trust.
But then... the blame just hits the wall and falls flat on nothing.
But it's the easy way out.

Most times, I just forget and lose myself in what I have. 

But do not ask the price I paid,
I must live with my quiet rage,
Tame the ghosts in my head,
That run wild and wish me dead.

Juice Fast Day 2 + BREAK FAST HAHA

Okayyyyy, yes i broke my fast today (day 3).

So yesterday, I woke up feeling light-headed and proceeded to make myself my breakfast juice. Sorry, didn't note that down but i remember it was really good. No hunger pangs throughout the day and made juice every 2 hours. But i had to work on my essay and it became really hard because I couldn't concentrate. I was writing it, but my mind was still quite buzzed out... so nope, that bit sucked.

I was quite enjoying the fact that i wasn't craving anything, considering how much i love to snack, but then i was also getting really worried because (awkward much) I haven't pooped AT ALL. Even before i started the fast i wasn't having regular bowel movements and no matter what I tried (drinking loads of water, tea, eating yogurt, veges, fruits..) it wasn't improving. I was hoping the juice fast would help but yeah, it didn't either. And all i could think of was junk building up in my intestines =____= EW. So that's the main reason why I'm breaking fast today - getting my system back to normal first!

Also, we spent 4 hours (11pm-3am) at A&E last night because my friend sliced her finger. ALL SHE NEEDED WAS A FREAKING ANTI-SEPTIC BANDAID!! I was kinda hoping she would get stitches or glued (lol sorry) but just a band-aid.. okay I should be glad that it wasn't anything serious. Nonetheless, I had a bottle of water with my that i guzzled up in the first hour. And I felt really giddy and out of it throughout our wait. Got myself a cup of tea. Helped a bit. But not having enough water and feeling the effects of it was irritating.

Right, so back to Day 3.

I know I shouldn't eat bread and carbs and stuff yet... but I did. So for breakfast, I had:
home-made bread with hummus
punnet of green grapes
handful of cherry tomatoes
one hard boiled egg

It made me pretty full, which I'm super impressed about. Usually it takes way more than that to get me filled up, but i think the cleanse over the last two days really helped out my eating habits.

Also, I felt weird without juice and after breakfast, I made myself apple and celery. Could this be a start of a new habit?

Regardless, even though I lasted only for two days, it was an interesting experience. I wouldn't go on it for too long though - love food too much. I'm gonna switch my meals up a bit as well, adding juice here and there as a meal :) I would definitely go on a juice fast again and LAST THE THREE DAYS. Also, wouldn't hurt with a better blender / juicer :)

Juice Fast Day 1

Right, so my blender is gonna go ka-pish soon due to our occasional abuse of it over the last two years. Please just last for the next few days!!

Woke up and made myself a bowl (what? lazy student here!!) of carrot and apple juice. I don't have a juicer, as said, so had to resort to this method:


It works well for me, so no complains there.. at least not for now. I diluted it with quite a lot of water and it surprisingly still tasted yummy. Wasn't hungry through the afternoon as i went for a walk and to grab more ammo for my juice gun. I think this was because of all the extra calories I've had over the last three days. I know i should have weaned myself off food first before attempting anything, but sofar.. my body isn't reacting too badly. No side effects of nausea or giddiness yet, woohoo!

Next concoction i tried was:
Cucumber + apples + kale + orange

I've never had a good impression of green juices because they used to sell some kinda grassy nasty fluid probably a decade ago and it was the trend! There were aunties offering little cups of the green liquid at supermarkets and I remember trying one.... and vowing never to go near anything like it again. It was YUCKY!

But now that I'm an adult (hur hur yeah right), maybe what tasted bad when i was young would be palatable right now. Anyhow, I wasn't too keen on green/vege juices but I know they are essential in a juice fast. I know cucumber isn't technically a vegetable, but it's green la okay HAHA ;x okay, point is... the juice was DELICIOUS. I really enjoyed it and have another glass nursing in the fridge for later.

I'm gonna try making a 'greener' juice later in the day, maybe some kale, spinach, celery and apples/carrots to sweeten it up.

Sofar the verdict is:
I'm feeling pretty okay, but i can sense mucus building up in my nose.. which I've read is normal. No hunger pangs yet, but knowing me and my habits... it'll come sooner or later. Hopefully I'll hold out and not reach for some hummus on toast anytime soon :(

Oh and drinking lots of green tea too!